WeedWoman thought up this new mantra. It totally works for me…
She and I have been having trouble with our biological mothers. Well, to be more specific, WeedWoman has been having trouble with her biological mother; mine just sent me an email today, and that doesn’t technically qualify as “trouble.”
Our mothers, like everyone else in the world, create their own reality. The problem we seem to be having with these women, though, is that the reality they’re creating is so vastly different from anything that we can identify as reality that it’s difficult to find anything to hold onto when dealing with them.
Usually, birds of a feather - friends, family, married couples - live in realities that are similar enough to coexist. I recognize that I’m not living the same marriage as my husband or in the same friendship as WeedWoman- that each of us sees things in our relationship very differently - but we are able to reconcile our visions of our lives so that we can be happily together.
Then, there are our mothers.
My deal is easier than WeedWoman’s. I’ve pretty much divorced myself from my parents (I was emancipated at 17) and I recognize this latest salvo as one of my mother’s quasi-annual attempts at stirring up drama. Whatever - I’m not biting. WeedWoman is just beginning the process of distancing herself from the drama that Mumsie generates, though, and that’s harder.
I’m sorry to see her having to deal with all this unnecessary crap, but I’m glad that I have the experiences that I do so that I can help her navigate her way through this. Our current situations remind me of one of my favorite West Wing stories - Leo is telling Josh the story of a guy who falls into a hole:
This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, “Hey, you, can you help me out?” The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up, “Father, I’m down in this hole. Can you help me out?” The priest writes a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey, Joe, it’s me. Can you help me out” And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, “Are you nuts? Now we’re both down here.” The friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before - and I know the way out.”
And it all starts with the mantra…
Which episode was that? I loved the context the story was told in too, but cannot bring it to mind right now.
I have another mumsie strategy that seems to be helping for anyone else out there dealing with difficult people. My doctor pointed out that he washes his hands between patients not just for sanitary purposes. He uses the ritual cleansing to let go of the last thing and prepare to approach the next thing fresh. I like it and use it every time I have any contact what so ever.
Remember “Le Femme Nikita”? “The little things never really bother me so much” or something like that. I think it was the original movie. They taught her to use that as a mantra whenever her assignment got too bad, like when she didn’t really want to blow up the guy and the whole restaurant .
Mantras are good!
If I’m remembering correctly, it’s the one where Josh pissed off the religious right during a Sunday morning interview show, and everyone was sure he was going to lose his job. Leo told him that story, then said “as long as I’ve got a job, you’ve got a job.” Later, when Leo was in trouble over the pills, Josh told him the same story. It was a really good tie in from one story to the next, and was very telling about the kind of relationship the two characters shared.
The story is from a Christmas episode where Leo calls in a psychiatrist (Adam Arkin) to talk to Josh after Josh yells at the President and then puts his hand through a window because he’s suffering from post-traumatic stress after being shot. That was one of my favorite episodes and I remember crying when Leo told Josh that story.
RIGHT!! So, how did Leo preface the “as long as I’ve got a job, you’ve got a job” statement?
As my therapist told me,many years ago,”You don’t need to attend every arguement that you’re invited to”. It has been VERY useful advice.
Yes, Claudia - and it’s advice I finally learned to take as regards the biologics. I owe a lot of my centerdness around that particular party to you. Thanks for helping keep me upright through it all…