Honoring My Daughter

You know that feeling where it seems like it’s all piling up on you at once?

I’ve been dealing with some pretty tough stuff at work. My students seem to be slipping as the term draws to a close. They’re sending me abominable emails, they’re turning in half-done homework - or refusing to do it at all - and I’m watching with mingled horror and confusion and sadness as a good portion of them go down in a spectacular show of smoke and flames.

If that weren’t enough (or, perhaps, because I’m seeing all of this at work and am more sensitive to it at home), my nearly-ten-year-old seems to be entering a new phase in her development. Never having been the parent of a nearly-ten-year-old before, I’m not entirely sure I’m quite ready to deal with what she’s got to give.

Some examples of her new behavior include the usual pre-teen eye rolling (she’s really rather good at that - I expect she and her girlfriends practice at school) and other dismissive behaviours (though I totally claim responsibility for her occasional responses of “whatever!”). She’s also started whining about almost everything that doesn’t happen according to her wishes - dinnertime, bedtime, whether or not dessert is served on a particular evening, going to or leaving from someplace. She’s becoming bossy with Beanie or anyone who she sees as somehow inferior to herself, and has taken to blatant tattling - which I find amusing because of the whole glass houses thing, but she doesn’t get that. There are a number of other disagreeable things she’s been doing lately, but the most grating to me is that she’s starting to refuse to participate in the things that have to happen to keep our family running.

She’s not responsible for anything but herself and her things, really. She doesn’t yet have chores - she doesn’t have to feed the cats or empty the dishwasher or vacuum - and that’s mostly because she’s still not behaving responsibly when it comes to herself and her things. There are lists on the fridge of things that need to be done before and after school and before bed. These lists contain things like “make your bed” and “get dressed,” or “finish your homework and put it in your book bag,” or “bring your plates to the table” and “get into your pajamas and brush your teeth.” We still have to drag her - item by item - through these things, and I haven’t felt good about adding other things to the list if she can’t manage what’s already there.

The kids are on vacation this week. This afternoon, after going out to lunch with Daddy, we girls came home and spent a little quiet time on our own; Beanie read, I did some grading and Punkin’ Pie played with clay. I had asked them, on the way home, if they would help me do some light housekeeping in the afternoon - I wanted to vacuum the downstairs and do a quick, light mopping of the wood floors. I told them that they could help with those things, or they could do something else that was helpful - tidying their room, picking up and sorting their laundry so I can run it through the machines, dusting, that sort of thing.

Beanie was willing to help - she went into the room to get a little tidying done (which, really, wasn’t any great shakes as I’d been in there earlier today and had already DONE most of the tidying, but whatever). I asked Punkin’ Pie if she’d take the laundry basket into their room and sort out the darks and lights. She took the basket, went into her room, then promptly yelled, “I don’t FEEL like doing laundry!”

Here’s my question: do I somehow compel her to do laundry, or do I leave her to run out of clean clothes? Do I tell her that I don’t FEEL like washing and folding her clothes, and make that her responsibility now? I didn’t respond to her outburst at the time because I didn’t have anything useful to say, but it’s certainly something that needs to be addressed - and soon.

I’m saddened by the idea that she’s not willing to cooperate - one of the things that I treasure about my family life up to this point is that we all worked together, for the most part, to keep things humming along. How do I get across to her that her input in the family is vital - that we not only want her, but need her to participate? How do I keep her engaged without putting her in a position of power that might encourage more of this same kind of behaviour?

I love my children beyond reasoning. I want to parent them in the very best way, and I am willing to do a lot to hold up my end of the cosmic deal I have with my girls. I want to honor them by doing the best job I can, and by helping them become strong, competent, responsible adults. It’s starting to get a little harder now, and I could use a little advice.