Despite the fact that Mr. Chili and I came right out and said – verbally and in writing – that we wanted to host Christmas at our house this year, the holiday will be celebrated at my in-laws’. So sayeth the Matriarchal Chili.
I’m trying very hard to be a grown up about this, even though we’re being treated as anything but. Mr. Chili is the only child in the same time zone as his parents: he has a twin brother in Alabama and two sisters who live in England (one always lived in England; the other moved there with her family this past spring). Being the local children, we are expected to be, do, and attend as dictated without regard to the fact that we may have other plans or desires.
Most of the time, this isn’t a problem. I’m happy to go to choral presentations or to help out when Matriarchal Chili is hosting a social event; I very often enjoy those things. The thing that’s burning my proverbial sugarplums is that we specifically said we wanted to host Christmas. We told her in person, we told her on the phone, and I told her in email, and we were completely and utterly disregarded. More to the point, M. Chili had the unmitigated gall to call me last night to tell me that I could – and I’m quoting verbatim here – “celebrate with your friends and those other people on another day.”
Those other people. You know, my family. Yet again, I am alienated because of my past. Because my family and I do not share DNA, they are not family in M. Chili’s eyes and, therefore, they can be relegated to another day. Not only that, but the fact that we’d like our children to have childhood memories of Christmases that do not involve having to dress up and leave the house to behave like miniature adults at a formal dinner with “family” we only see three times a year is being completely disregarded, as well.
Mr. Chili has a plan. He hopes to be able to manipulate the situation – specifically, the timing of dinner – such that we can be back in our own home , with those other people, by four in the afternoon. He feels powerless to do much else, and while I really wish that he’d stand up for me, I understand why he doesn’t: big picture, it’s just not worth it. We won’t get to be adults until the people who think they’re the adults die.
Hey! Butch up! Hold your own festivities as planned. That’s what I say!
This Christmas is my first one where I will travel 8 hours to my family…in over six or so years. It’s a long story, but it’s one where I finally took a stand. The past two have been at my house with the Mr.’s family and again, a very long story. I get how you’re feeling…and I know that feeling of not wanted to ruffle feathers…but sometimes you just have to say, no and do it your way.
Me again. Obviously, the “butch up” advice is the kind one gives friends rather than oneself. It’s been many years since I ever had a situation where I was confronted with your type of dilemna.
How well would a compromise within the household work out, Mrs. C.? In another words, if Mr. C. feels so beholden to obey the Matriarch, then he can go there. You don’t feel so beholden, so you stay home and host for the people you want to come over. The little Chili’s can then decide whether they’d like to stay home or go with Daddy on their own.
Is that even remotely feasible?
Just a thought.
Oh, if you knew me in real life, Gerry, you’d know that there’s nothing more that I want than to say “You know what? NO. You may come to us if you like, but we’ve been doing what you want for the past 15 years (and Mr. Chili even longer than that). *I* get to decide what MY family does.”
Of course, I can’t say that. I mean, I CAN, certainly, but the fallout and the cleanup would be far worse than the enjoyment I would get from getting my way.
Falcon, again – fallout. Really, the best we can do is to suck up this year and announce, with no reservations or room for discussion, that we’re planning on hosting festivities at our house next year. Mr. Chili even suggested sending out formal invitations next November. Whatever.
We’re going to try our best to get dinner on the table by around noon so that we can be back in our home in the early afternoon. I’m also working on putting together a celebration on “another day” for the people that *I* love. I resent the fuck out of having to do it, but I think, in the long run, it’s better this way. We are, after all, the local children. Sigh…
This is so, so hard. When I was first married, I didn’t mind much being at the in-laws for Christmas then driving 2 hours to “my” people. But after I had children I began longing to wake up Christmas morning to see what Santa brought HERE!
It took a while to make my husband understand, and then we could talk to his mom. I told her as gently as possible that when ***she*** had kids, they had Christmas morning in their own home and that was all I was asking for. It wasn’t about who hosted dinner. Since then, we have had Christmas up here (sometimes my house, some times my sister in laws). We make every effort to spend the other holidays at mom-in-laws, because she still does love hosting the “spread!” She gets most Thanksgivings, Easters. We do Christmas.
The only bad side is that I used “santa”. Pretty soon, they’ll start up and say “hey the kids have outgrown that – come here now.”
Ugh (i seem to say that alot lately…) This sounds familiar. You should trade notes with Tense.
Geek sent me here to commiserate with you, and I’m glad he did.
Geek’s family ALWAYS insists on doing everything their way, without regard to in-laws or their families, and it frustrates me to no end. And while it is easy for us to spend holidays with them due to the close proximity in which we live, it would be nice if we were consulted, instead of TOLD, once in awhile. Like you, most of the time, I’m happy to go with the flow, but the fact that we’re still treated as children whose opinions matter not galls me more than I can express.
And I too wish that Geek would stand up for me and my feelings outright, rather than in his usually passive-aggressive manner. I don’t feel as if it’s my place to take on, and thus alienate, his family. I wouldn’t want to do that to him, but it would be great if he would do it once or twice.
We also go to my mother-in-laws to celebrate the major holidays, but Pookie always has to work on the actual days. So we always get to have out own celebration and then go meet up at his mother’s the next day he’s off work.
Of, course, the downside to that is that Pookie always has to leave us on holidays and go to work.
Anyway, after all that, I feel for ya. Because if he didn’t have to work and his mother’s house wasn’t 2 hours away, we’d be doing every major holiday up there.
I’m fortunate in that my in-laws are more interested in doing things for themselves than involving their grandchildren. That is sad in itself. You would think that the fact that they will only have one set of grandchildren (because they so irrevocably screwed up my husband’s younger brother) would be reason enough for them to want to be involved in the lives of their grandchildren.
I am extremely grateful to my own parents who are such awesome grandparents. They went through much of what you are going through with Mr. Chili’s parents that they really do leave it up to us “kids” as to how we want to handle the holidays.
This is the time of year when I struggle. Every year except for last year, I try to talk myself in to joining you with the in-laws. I am sorry, I still can’t bring myself to go there. Christmas at your house was better, but still tough. Do you remember? Uncle Chili made me a drink at 10:30 in the am. ” For your cough.” He said. Yeah right, my cough!
Your in-laws are nice enough. I can deal with the way they look at me funny and talk down to me. I cannot deal with how they treat my nieces though. They are children, very well behaved children for sure. Please MIL, don’t make them act like adults. I am sorry, I’ll be over in the morning for presents and donuts, then I will be on my way.
I am so sorry that this fallout avoidance crap has your having to heel when called. I’d resent the fuck out of it as well, and I know the fact that they didn’t DIRECTLY communicate this with you guys for the weeks the questions of where the festivities were to be held didn’t help.
Maybe send the declaration of next year’s festivities by January?
You will never break free unless you actually break free one day. All it takes is once.
It took me 6 years of celebrating Christmas while my partner went to his mom’s until I said enough is enough. One year was all it took. I had Xmas with them the next year, but they finally learned that I could control my life.
Yes, I can always be the ‘other people’ on another day. Yes, there will be fallout, but sometimes you have to have one bad holiday to get the rest be ones that you dictate what happens. And yes, you will try again every year, but they won’t stop until you make it a little painful for one year.
In the long run, it’s the easiest.
I don’t really have any good advice for you–only sympathy. As someone who had to deal with divorced parents and both sets of grandparents living in close proximity for a while, I know you’re just feeling torn apart from all directions right now. My solution was to move, but somehow I don’t think that will work for you.
Maybe, just maybe, Mrs Chili snr wants to have Christmas at home because Mr Chili snr wants it there – and I am appalled that you wish them dead – when they are gone they are gone forever. And then you realise (or if not you, Mr Chili) how much you miss them, and then its too late. Didn’t you have Christmas at your place last year? See, I read your blog.
Auntie, I know – and this is part of what tortures me about this time of year. You, the only blood relative I have left, are alienated by the customs I’m being pressured to uphold against my will. Sigh.
Disgusted, wow – back ‘em up! First of all, I never wished anyone dead, so you can just put your appalled away. You’re also making assumptions about people you don’t know: Mr. Chili senior has NO say in anything that happens around the holidays. He was the only child of an only child; he was absorbed into Matriarch Chili’s family entirely. No one asks him what HE wants to do – the decisions are made by the women. Lastly, yes – we DID have Christmas at our house last year. The fact of the matter is that Chili family tradition USED to hold that the family with the youngest children hosts the Christmas holiday. Part of why we built our addition was so that we could fulfill what we saw as our responsibility to that tradition. No one told us that it had changed, and we resent the hell out of being completely disregarded after coming out and announcing, with no equivocation, that we wanted to host again.
I can understand the frustrations, Christmas is never easy when everyone wants to hold on to traditions, or start some of their own. I just wish I could be with my parents at this time of year – you never know if there is going to be another chance. Why doesn’t your husband just sit down over a coffee with his parents and talk about why? when? where? never easy, but better than all of you being unhappy and desperate to leave. You are holding the fort for Mr Chili’s wayward syblings, and I am sure they appreciate this. But how would you feel if your children didn’t talk to you? Act like the adult you want to be and TALK. You may not win, but you may understand the motivation better.
Disgusted, I appreciate the conversation we’re having here, and I really appreciate the tone of this message far more than I did the last, but I don’t think you got the part where we DID talk to them – clearly and without artifice. We said that we wanted to hold Christmas here and we gave them REASONS why we wanted to hold Christmas here. It didn’t register.
You also have to recognize that, for as much as I would be willing to do the sitting down to talk to the in-laws, my husband, whose job it is, really, isn’t. He doesn’t like confrontation (not that anyone does, really, but he likes it less than most) and he recognizes that he’s not given the status of adult when he’s dealing with his parents. Their response to things is generally to purse their lips and say “well, that’s all well and good, but that’s not how we do things.” There really is very little room for negotiation, and even though I’M the one kicking up the fuss about all this, I am NOT the one to go in there to fix it. It was very clearly pointed out to me that I am NOT “family,” and my status as an in-law gives me no foundation upon which to stand.
My mom picked the place for Christmas for our family this year but my wife and I picked the day. The place works out nicely because it’s on our way to her parents’ house. We’ll stop and party with my family and then head on to hers.
Well then, I guess you need to do your best to enjoy the day. I would then have one hell of a party with everyone else the next day (I know a lot of people who have two Christmases – completely different and both just as enjoyable for what they are). Hope you get a lot of books. And you are not the first nor will be the last who ranks low as an in-law (ask my husband and brother in law)
Sounds like the spirit of the season is a little out of wack. Try having no one to see for the holiday. Sounds like complainers to me, and ungrateful too. Be glad that you were invited, with your attitude I am not sure why mrs. snr is still talking to you. What makes you so special? Its one day out of the year, get off your pedastal and be compassionate. Family is family, deal. The past generation looked at family as a gift not as a burden or an obligation. Don’t know how I ended up here, but you all sound spoiled.
HoHoHo, we tend to be a pretty judgment-free group here, so I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say Merry Fucking Christmas to you, too!
HoHoHo, I second Mrs. C.’s response. When you know what you’re talking about, feel free to comment. If you’re clueless, then shut up. It’s one thing to disagree; we have no problem with disagreement and rational discussions as to why.
It’s another to be an a-hole while you’re doing it.
Happy Holidays!
Ooooh, seem to have struck a nerve here, only like to hear stuff that strokes your ego. It seems that it is your way or the highway. Maybe you have met your match in MIL. I am not sure that Mrs Snr would agree about the judgement-free comment. Where is the swearing coming from, can we use real words here?
I’m not biting, HoHo. If you’ve got something constructive to say, then feel free. Baiting is childish, and if it continues, it’ll be deleted. End of story.
Very well, HoHoHo. I will see if I can rise to your level and try to engage in a civilized, rational discourse with you – so long as Mrs. Chili is willing to allow us to use this space for such a purpose.
First, please allow me to apologize profusely for using language you deem to be uncouth, offensive, and unworthy of your prodigious intellect.
Second, please permit me to beg you to bestow upon us your august wisdom. Please, sir (once again I will beg your forgiveness if you are, in fact, a madam as opposed to a sir), show us the errors of our ways. Enlighten as to how we are taking our families for granted. Illuminate for us the path away from the wallowing in our own self-pity. Solve for us, if you will, this mystery which is apparently incalculable to our insignificant IQs, and help us to become better people – somebody like (dare we aspire to such lofty heights?) yourself.
We await your pronouncements from on high with eager anticipation.
Wow – seems I have started something that ho, ho, ho has continued.
You are very open in your blog about everything in your life – even to the extent of putting your picture on it. We know about your teaching, your children, husband, that you are a wonderful cook, mother, etc. We can chose to read or not to read, agreed. But if you are going to discuss your in-laws (or anyone else for that matter) in public (and believe me, nhfalcon, I am not clueless) then you will get people who disagree, and as you want to be so public about your life, you need to deal with it. If you want this to be secret – send emails.
What if your in-laws found this blog? Maybe you would get the confrontation you need, but it would mean that your children would lose any relationship at all with their grandparents, and in therapy in 20 years time they will blame you for that. And the pain you would cause …
I swear like a trooper – but never on line. By even calling this Effing Christmas you are doing in one stroke what Walmart and Target have been trying to do for years, make Christmas into a war – for the best toys, the most food, the most outlandish decorations, and fights between families. For many many years I have had Christmas with just my family and honorary grandmother and I wake up that morning every year glad that I am able to do just that.
By the way NHFalcon – whoever you are – you really are a ***
Disgusted, if you read these blogs as much as you claim you do, then you’d realize that Mrs. C. is more than open to opinions different from her own. She welcomes them, in fact, because if they are stated in an intelligent manner, then she sees them as an opportunity to grow. I am one of those people who has disagreed with her in the past, and yet she still considers me and my family some of her closest friends.
I, too, am more than willing to listen to somebody who disagrees with me, if they do so intelligently, because I am also more than willing to admit that i am about as far from perfect as one can get.
I will not speak for Mrs. Chili, but I responded to HoHoHo’s first post in the manner we did because it did not come across as an intelligent disagreement – it came across as an attack. If I misinterpreted that post – or yours, then I apologize.
Oh, and btw, you cannot believe how deeply being called an *** by you hurts me. I’ve got family and friends that I can’t conveniently count who love me and one random, anonymous poster somewhere out there in the ethernet who doesn’t really like me. Yep, my world’s just crumbling around me right about now.
On an entirely different note…
Chili, the idea of “this one day must be it” is rubbing my brain. On some level I agree with you that it’s dismissive to be told in the way you were told that you aren’t to be trusted to prioritize who you love. But I wanted there to be a way to acknowledge that it’s not the day it’s the feeling. I couldn’t get around it, though. Finally today, while skimming through the previous vitriol from all corners, I realized that the sacred day/night/hours of the season for me are Christmas Eve. I have my reasons. But it joggled my brain to see if perhaps you guys could carve off something on the Eve that’s about your other non-blood (and Auntie) family members and the best bit would be that it would be the kick-off to Christmas so you’d get, in essence, to eat dessert first. I can’t remember if you’re already hooked into an Eve tradition, though. Just a thought.
You know my troubles with the whole season so I hope you remember how much I sympathize even on the rare occasion that I disagree.
It’s better if we don’t feed the trolls.
Pingback: Wife 1, Mom 0…forever at WmWms
Wow
I too have the Matriarchal problems. Mine goes beyond the Holidays now. I never had a great solution because someone will always be on the wrong end, usually me. I still do not think I’m respected as an adult, probably not even viewed as one. Even though I am now a father. In some regards its nice to have the family around and have the problems versus being alone. On the other hand there’s enough stress in life already who needs more.
I recently made a stand not sure how it will work or be viewed. If they now yank the holidays from us and their grandchildren it will be a sad day.