I found this on PostSecret, and it spoke to me:
I totally understand this sentiment.
I find that I’m very careful who I talk to honestly about my life. I am very, very happy. I am deeply and profoundly in love with my husband. I have two healthy, smart, beautiful children. I have a couple of good jobs that, while they don’t provide me with a lot of money, really do fulfill my professional needs. My husband has a good job which he enjoys and which allow us to live a very comfortable existence – we’ve got a nice house and good cars and we can meet our needs and responsibilities and we have some left over to play a little, to boot. My life is filled with a lot of really wonderful friends who love and teach and support me in ways that defy description.
In short, life really is good.
I have run into a lot of resistance when I speak in public about how good I’ve got it, though, and these experiences have taught me that sometimes it’s best to keep the good stuff quiet.
One afternoon, not too long ago, I was dropping Beanie off in the child care center of the health club so I could teach a class. She was looking particularly cute that day – she was dressed in a little blue jumper-dress and we had done her hair in curly pigtails. She was in a bright and sunny mood, and she literally skipped into the room greeted the child care supervisor with a cheery “HI, Marie!”
Marie turned to me and said “Oh my God – HOW can you STAND IT?!”
“Sometimes, I don’t really know,” I told her, “I’ve got a really phenomenal life. I’ve got these two gorgeous children, I’m married to my best friend – it’s really all great.”
It was right about at this point when another day care worker turned away with a sneer and said (and I swear to God/dess that these were her exact words; I’m not making any of this up), “Oh, will you just take your sunshine somewhere else!”
I was floored. I mean, I am fully aware that my life is a bit of an oddity. Most people don’t have very good relationships. Most people aren’t content in their jobs or their home lives. Most people never really understand how to be happy. I wasn’t trying to rub her face in my joy – I knew that she was going through a divorce and didn’t even realize that she was listening until she scolded me about my sunshine – and it bothered me that she would react so negatively to my expressions of contentment.
I mentioned to Xena the other day that I’m very protective of my joy. I tend not to talk too much about the really great stuff in my life because I don’t want to invite the kinds of reactions I got in the kid-care at the health club – nor do I want people to get the impression that I’m either boasting or outright lying (”nobody can be that happy”). I tend to talk more about the little frustrations and miscommunications that wrinkle the overall happiness. People tend to relate better to those things. Sad, but true.
I’m not sure that I could say that I feel guilty that I’m happy, though. I know for sure that I’ve EARNED this happiness, and that I work hard – every. single. day. – to keep it. I understand the sentiment of the card, though; I really do, and I was not-so-secretly happy to see that someone else out there is that happy, too.
Sounds to me like sneering day-care lady needs to be working in a Russian orphanage, not a day-care.
No, I’m not dismissing how painful and soul-sucking going through a divorce must be. Nevertheless, if you’re going to work around children, you need to at least fake a positive attitude so you don’t drag those children with you. Either that or take a personal day.
Some people just can’t stand to be happy I guess. The rest of us just can’t stand not being happy.
I wear a “Life is Good” hat all of the time. I am so blessed with a love of my life, sufficiency in all things, a fun job, and dear friends that are important to me. Sure, some of it is luck, some of it is hard work, and the rest is appreciation and attitude.
Count your blessings and be happy.
Laurie B
You can’t feel badly for working hard for what you have. I feel that way sometimes as well. I received a lot of crap for getting my new computer, from someone who made some seriously bad choices in her life. I am not supposed to feel badly for her screw ups nor am I to feel badly that I was able to do something for myself..that I needed to do for myself and school.
While it’s stooping to her sour level, I would have probably told her that the room needed some sunshine since she brought in all the dark clouds.
Be proud of what you have.
Your post reminded me of a time when my husband and I were at our local mall. I was getting ready to buy a couple of things from one of the stores. My husband was standing next to me and asked if I wanted him to pay. The woman ringing us up made a comment that it didn’t make a difference because it was all coming from the same place.
I quipped that one key to a successful marriage was having separate checking accounts. Husband and I start joking around, then all of a sudden we notice that our cashier gets very quiet. She tells us that she’s divorced and then goes on about how we shouldn’t be so comfortable in our marriage!
After that, she barely said two words to us. A month or so later, my husband went back into that store to buy me something. He saw that same women and went over to her and asked her for help. She saw who it was and my husband said that she told him that she would get someone else to help him because she was “busy.” It was just plain weird!
I also feel guilty about how good my life has been. You know what, Mrs. Chili, we work hard to have what we have, so we shouldn’t feel bad. It’s not like any of what we do have was just given to us.
I have to bring a contrasting point—you might have hit this woman at an absolute break point for her, personally. Divorce is hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. For people to say that maybe you should just get out of an industry that you love because you can’t be 100% happy ALL the time is loathesome. Do you have any idea how hard it is to teach 10 hours of yoga a week, bring the peace and tranquility, and guide a group when things aren’t optimal? I’m human, too. My life is still good. I admit to having bitchy moments. I feel badly for the moments when I’ve been slightly bitter in yoga class. I bear the sadness more than anyone I know because only I live my life. Perhaps the kind thing to do would be to NOT spotlight how picture perfect your marriage is when you know someone else is suffering in theirs. Being grateful for your life should also mean that you have room to be compassionate for those less fortunate in all areas than you.
While I appreciate your point, Liv (trust me, I do; I’ve been divorced, too), I should point out that I wasn’t rubbing anyone’s nose in my life – and neither was Ms, Teacher in her story. The experiences I’ve had in having people respond badly (and, sometimes, with outright hostility) has taught me to keep my proverbial light dimmed, though, and that makes me a little sad, not only because I don’t get to live my authentic life, but also because it limits my opportunities to be a positive role model to someone who might need it. Though I certainly don’t want to belittle anyone’s pain, I also don’t think it’s healthy that there’s so much gloom and doom in the world or that we seem to be most comfortable when we’ve got something to be unhappy about. It’d be nice to be able to shine once in a while.
Does that make sense?
My divorce was wonderful and cathartic for me. I got to throw all of the baggage in the air and only pick up the pieces I wanted to carry.
It was a good thing! For sure. I could not have gotten to here without experiencing that. And where I am now is soooo darned good!
Best to all. Laurie B
My wife and I have things pretty good and we usually just share that between ourselves. We do want to both switch jobs but the ones we have are serving their purpose for now. We are getting close to our goal of being debt free. We are best friends. We both absolutely adore our son.
If you tell other people about it, they just say things, “Just wait, it’ll all change.”
It will, for the better. =)
Life is sometimes a series of obstacles to overcome until a place of equilibrium is reached. There are many people out there who struggle, consistently. with finding some measure of happiness or contentment with their lots in life and who cannot contain jealousy and seething resentment at anyone who appears to be truly happy. My MIL, for example, always has dire warnings about how bad things will inevitably happen and I shudder at her negativity (She calls it a realistic view), even if I understand it as borne of a life of disappointment. You are one of the most contented people I know; it’s truly unfortunate that you have to dim your light so as not to possibly irritate other people. I know your are doing so for compassion, but it’s a unfortunate commentary on our society when we must closely guard and hide our happiness.
Hey, Mrs Chili,
Thanks for hosting the quesiton. I am ever so use to the “who I am” versus “what I do” questions. So often the “who are you” questions ask about work and status and not about love and community. Those two places, love and community, are where I spend my time..aren’t I lucky?
When people ask what I “do”? I say I am so in love and love being loved by Old Blue Eyes. She makes me laugh and smile. We are kind and loving to each other, and to our friends. We cook good food, we are respectful and intimate and oh my gosh, so happy with each other.
They usually respond with “Oh, what do you do for work? Well then, different question! Ask that question directly, please. If that is what you really want to know we will tell you..but in the meantime, we are in love and happy. Also, we love our work. But this is about life and not how we earn our bread and butter.
How we are and who we are should always be separate from what we do to make the income. We have to do some things to survive. We do the other things to thrive. Why is this a difficult concept for so many? It takes work dad gum it!
Mrs. Chili, thanks for sharing your blog. You are on a good journey all for yourself. Everything worth having is worth fighting for. But you knew that already.
We do count our blessings. Always.
Laurie B
I’m noticing this in the “Let’s Criticize Our Husbands” game going around in my circle. My sisters do it. My co-workers do it. People at school do it. I can’t relate, and I can’t understand it. But it does seem that there are some people who resist the notion that people could find happiness, and value and treasure and protect it.
When it gets right down to it, a lot of how happy we are is about how happy we CHOOSE to be. Does my husband make me CRAZY sometimes? Absolutely – and I frustrate him to the ends of the Earth every once in a while, too. The point ISN’T that my life (love- work- or otherwise) is perfect. The point is that I choose to focus on what works rather than living constantly in the spaces that are unsatisfying.
I can understand not “flaunting” your happiness, but the fact that you feel you have to hide it is very sad. People need to get a grip; you can’t automatically know what another person is going through, and you shouldn’t be expected to read their minds or intuit if they’re having a bad day.
Why can’t people grow up and be happy for others? I rejoice in my friends’ successes, and while I may sometimes feel a twinge of jealousy, I certainly do NOT berate them for their happiness. My being miserable or jealous is my problem, as it was the daycare worker’s problem, and I / they should not expect others to be unhappy just because they are.
*fuming*