At the Risk of Exciting the Trolls
November 26, 2007 by mrschili
Disclaimer: I’m writing another Christmas post. I know I probably shouldn’t, but I’ve decided not to let thoughtless and inconsiderate commenters dictate what I do or do not say on my blog. I’m not going to abide obnoxious comments - I’m happy to have you disagree with me, but if you can’t disagree respectfully, your input will be deleted.
Thanksgiving was lovely, though more than a little strained. Remember this story about t.v.? Well, Uncle T has gone one step further (one might say he’s gone quite a bit further than that) and acquired himself a 60″, HD flat screen. Seriously? I think it’s bigger than one of the screens in our local movie theatre. Anyway, after dinner (which did not include the indian corn), we of the family who love football gathered in the living room to ooh and ahh over Uncle T’s new entertainment unit.
The in-laws were not at all pleased, though they were a little better at not stomping around and clucking their disapproval this year than they’ve been in the past. Auntie L, who wasn’t feeling terribly well to begin with, was in no mood to put up with much of anything. “If you all want to watch football after dinner, then you all watch football after dinner. This is MY house, and I want you all to be happy.”
We had a lovely dinner, we sat around and chatted (though, to be honest, a lot of our discussions centered around sports and such; we only see these people three times a year - we don’t really have a whole lot in common). All in all - for us, anyway - it was a pretty good day.
On our way home, Mr. Chili and I were discussing how the afternoon took on a very different tone than Thanksgivings past. His cousins are grown; one of them married the summer before last and one of them is engaged to be married next fall. They have in-laws who will want to see them at the holidays and I speculated that, since both cousins and their respective mates were in attendance at Thanksgiving, the likelihood of their coming for Christmas is severely diminished. He agreed, and the other day we called Auntie L to find out if she knew what her kids had planned.
It was during this phone call that we learned that Auntie L has been unhappy with the holidays for years - perhaps even decades. She, too, feels pulled in too many directions, and the expectations and pressures of the day that are imposed on her from others has reached a point where she’s not willing to buck up and take it anymore. She told us that it’s likely that her kids will come by her place in the morning, but that they’ll be spending the afternoon of the 25th with their respective in-laws (a situation made even more complicated for them in that their spouse and fiancee both have parents who are divorced, which means they’re going to be juggling parents, too). She suggested that we reserve Thanksgiving and Easter as Chili holidays, but that we take Christmas to celebrate on our own, and I couldn’t agree more.
Mr. Chili went to his parents’ house on Friday to start broaching the subject of changing the holiday. We love our Christmas Eve traditions with them; we go to their house, Daddy lights a fire in the fireplace, we admire the tree. Mom makes lasagna and we have a lovely dinner. We light one of these things:
the girls peruse the nativity scene, then we all sit in the living room and read excerpts from Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. It’s a really nice way to spend an evening, and Mr. Chili suggested to his parents that we make that our Christmas tradition by including gift opening in the evening.
His parents are “thinking about it.”
He’s going back over sometime this week (hopefully, sooner rather than later), to continue the discussion (I feel as though he’s a frickin’ Secretary of State in delicate, volatile negotiations with a hostile nation with weapons of mass destruction) and, after he’s done that, I’ve been asked to call Auntie L so that SHE can discuss with her sister-in-law what her branch of the family plans to do on the holiday.
It’s going to be tough going. I think it’s worth it, though; change is inevitable. Children grow up and have families of their own, and doing things simply because we’ve always done them - whether or not they still suit us or bring us joy - is wrong. Still, we should make every effort to come to some sort of agreeable compromise. My fear, though, is that everyone but my in-laws will be happy with the compromise we collectively design. While I’ll be sad if that happens (and, really, I don’t have high hopes for the outcome of these negotiations), I also plan to stand firm. I think this is important, and I’m willing to see it through.
It is perfectly natural to long for your own Christmas morning. My MIL had it for decades when her kids were young and at home. Now it is my turn to have Christmas morning with my family at my home. I sound like a pill. But fortunately, we’ve managed to have about 3 of the last 4 here at home.
I went back and read your nativity post. LOL. My family has always done that as well. Baby Jesus does not arrive until Dec. 25 and the wise men do not get there until the Epiphany. I get irritated when I find nativity sets where the baby is glued into the manger so you can’t do it properly!
We also ran around rearranging my mom’s Christmas angels that were all over the living room. We’d make them do touchdown signals and things like that. I want my kids to develop those sorts of memories too!
I think it sounds like huge progress has been made and you’re finding unexpected pockets of support which is great. As is my duty in all these discussions, I’m going to point out how hostile this bit sounds, “I feel as though he’s a frickin’ Secretary of State in delicate, volatile negotiations with a hostile nation with weapons of mass destruction” and therefore isn’t following your desire to move out of love and giving rather than anger or fear. I agree that you should be able to have your own Christmas traditions it’s still part of my duty to remind you that changing the traditions of old people who are seeing a lot of things slip away from them is hard for them and allowing them to lose these things less than gracefully is a gift you can afford.
Kizz, that comment of mine isn’t hostility on MY part - it’s my perception of the hostility that my husband is finding himself dealing with as these discussions move forward.
You, above all others, have been instrumental in helping me get perspective on all of this, and I’m very, very grateful for that. I really DO appreciate how difficult and scary this must be for our old people. However, our old people are not behaving at all like adults where this is concerned. They (well, to be fair, it’s mostly “she”
are not willing, really, to even entertain that things might be done differently - they have a very “MY way - there is no “highway” option here” kind of stance. I fear the only way change will come is if those of us who want it insist.
My greatest sympathy lies with my husband. He’s the only local child and, therefore, the only one who has to deal with this. He has no back-up or wing-man, and even though I’ve offered, he’s pretty much told me that my presence in the “negotiations” will make things worse rather than better - they’ll likely blame me for causing all of this trouble and Mr. Chili wants them to deal with HIM as a grown-up.
Sigh.
All of this crapadoulis reinforces that Christmas and everything surrounding it is just a bunch of shit based upon myth-making by someone or other. It is not religious for me, I don’t give a damn about presents (those who love me are extraordinarily generous at all times of the year). If there are people I really want to see and/or spend time with Christmas does not provide me with any extra or special incentive to do so. I don’t like roasted turkey that much, do not like jellied cranberry (if that is what that stuff in the can is), think stuffing is a poor use of bread, and putting up and taking down the old Yule tree is a pain in the ass.
I don’t love anyone any more at Christmas, and I certainly am not inclined to participate in family “negotiations” and other such foolishness.
My step-son-in-law’s mother (a widow) has announced she won’t be down to Florida for Christmas with our little gang because she wants to spend it with her fellow and his family. This is causing emotional stuff I just ain’t gonna participate in.
Mrs. Chili–none of the above is a direct or implied slap at your discussion of Xmas, just airing my views.
Oh, I forgot, I usually am in some sort of depression Thanksgiving through Christmas, doubtless based on the conflict between reality and the above-mentioned myth-making.
*Wondering what someone could find offensive about this.*
You have your own family now, you need to find the traditions that make you happy. Be strong.
Gerry, I totally get that. My yoga training is teaching me that almost ALL our problems are a direct result of the conflict between our desires (or, as you rightly call it, myth-making) and reality. I am trying to be mindful of that as we move through this.
Meno, a lot of people DO find this offensive. Check out some of the vitriol that was directed my way in my last post about Christmas. Thank you for your comment, though - finding (and being allowed to find) traditions that make us happy is really all I want.
I am profoundly grateful that you are making this effort. Last year was so nice.
It’s sad really. Family juggling gets sticky sometimes. In our case it’s Tense that doesn’t see her mom more then once a year, and my family lives quite literally up our ass. I do my best to deflect my family or plan ANYTHING that might interfere with that visit. Unfortunately, we know my family thinks it’s Tense’s fault that they don’t see us as often as they want. Like every day, at least, 4 hrs at a time. In their mind, that’s a start. I understand.
We are changing the traditions here as well…
Wow! That sounds like a PERFECT compromise. I SO hope it works out.
[...] started a week or so ago by suggesting that we modify our already beloved Christmas Eve traditions by expanding them to include …. The response to this was that they’d “think about [...]