Ugh.
Someone I love and care for very much has a hard time doing things that are good for her; things she KNOWS she ought to do (or, more to the point, not doing things she knows she ought not to do).
I’m finding it difficult to tread the line between being a supportive friend who lets this woman find her own way in her own life and wanting to give her a good and swift kick in the can.
I don’t want to make decisions for her - even decisions that I know would make her life easier and better - because my making those decisions for her wouldn’t serve her; she’s got to get herself to a place where she can make those choices on her own. I worry, though, that it will take her too long to get to that place and the stress and damage that she’ll collect along the way will take her a long time to get over.
It’s really hard to watch someone you love make bad choices.
I can do ass-kicking. She and I have a history with this particular skill and it’s served us well so far. I can’t keep it up long-term, but I’ve got enough stamina to power through a little longer if that’s what she needs. The thing is, though, I recognize that there’s a very fine line between motivation and harassment, and I love this woman too dearly to risk crossing that line and damaging our relationship.
The clincher of all of this is that, like Carrie Fisher’s Marie in When Harry Met Sally, my friend knows that she’s making poor choices: she knows before she makes them, she knows while she makes them, and she knows after she makes them. She’s not wandering around in an ignorant haze here; she’s got a pretty clear idea of what she’s doing. Part of me thinks that she tells me about these choices because she wants me to talk her out of them, though most of the time I find out about it after the fact and have to convince her to undo her plans.
We’ve got the kind of friendship that can stand plain and straight talk, so I called her last night to ask her outright: does she WANT me to call her out when she tells me about some of the things she does that I think are dumb? Her answer, and I’m quoting here, was “abso-FUCKING-lutely!”
Well, okay, then! Let the ass-kickings commence! I started last night and my hope is that she’ll UNdo a poor plan she made for today and come here instead.
We’ll take it one day at a time from here.
any friend willing to do some ass kicking is a good friend. she’s lucky. hope things go well,
Are we talking bad choices as in heroin instead of Post Toasties? Toxic men instead of real men? Resort wear instead of simple casual? Enlisting in the Marines instead of going out for pizza? Drag racing in the streets instead of going for nature walks?
The risk level would, for me, determine whether I said anything. And, even then, I usually keep my own counsel.
Good luck on this one.
Gerry, it’s not quite heroin/Post Toasties level, but it’s close. My girlfriend has some dependency and self-esteem issues, and even though she can see which is the better choice to make in a given situation - she’s incredibly smart and pragmatic - she still has trouble actually getting up the gumption to make that choice, especially if it’s complicated or difficult.
Though I try to keep my own counsel most of the time (I think that’s a really good policy), I’m not sure that it’s always the right thing to do. After our conversation last night in which she told me she wants me to help her, I know for sure that keeping mum is not a good policy for me right now.
Thanks for the wishes of luck. I’ll take all the good energy I can get.
Well, speaking off the cuff, I’d venture to say that you’re powerless over your friend’s behavior, and regardless of whatever temporary bump your ass-kicking might achieve, it’s pretty much useless.
There’s not much of a difference between the heroin/Post Toasties choice and the toxic/real men choice, etc.
You’re friend’ll have to hit whatever bottom she hits. I don’t know a single person who was turned off the path of recycling negative behavior by the cajoling of a friend, however, astute and well-intentioned.
I think that was 3 cents worth. Sorry.
See, Rich, this is where *I* say “you’re right, you’re right, I know; you’re right.”
How do friends stand aside and watch people they love hit those bottoms? Got any advice for me?
well it’s good that she’s willing to get the help from you, letting you call her on bad decisions. i have to watch my sister make one bad decision after another, but she gets so defensive if i say anything that i have to keep my mouth shut if i want to maintain any sort of relationship with her.
rich is right, though - she’ll have to hit some sort of rock bottom eventually. all you can do is be there to help her pick up the pieces and stand back up.
Mrs. Chili, my brother was there. He ended up homeless. Twice. He told me once, that he had to hit rock bottom the second time before it really sank in. Sad, but true. He still struggles to this day; I want to help, but not create dependency because that is one of his biggest problems - not being able to do things an adult can do for themselves (like knowing how to register to vote…)
You know I struggle with this with my mom. I can’t do it for her even though I’d like to just clean it all up and have her never NEVER do it again, I know enough to know that ain’t gonna happen. It’s hard, though, so hard.
Good luck to both you and your friend. Loving people is difficult sometimes.
Prof, loving her isn’t hard at all. No, it’s not the loving that’s the problem, it’s the having to watch her try to self destruct that’s making me crazy.