Guest Post
May 4, 2008 by mrschili
Mrs. Chili says: this blogging thing can be complicated business, especially where others are concerned. For the most part, I really believe that one’s blog is one’s space - there should be no restrictions or censorship on it at all. It is true, though, that sometimes we have to write about things that involve other people and, often, those other people read our blogs. It’s there that the idea of completely free expression becomes tricky; we don’t want to hurt or anger the people we’re dealing with, but we still have to write about what’s happening in order to work through our own issues and to get the feedback and perspective of others that’s really at the heart of why we blog.
Such a situation has arisen for my friend Organic Mama. She’s dealing with something difficult that she needs to write about (and no; I don’t think need is too strong a word. We’re writers, she and I, and writers write to work through just about everything. It’s just what we do.). The person who’s inspired this bit of angst reads her blog, and Mama understands that her musings could a) be taken the wrong way by someone already hyper-sensitive b) make matters worse.
I offered her this space to post her story so she can get her thinking out and so she can gain some perspective and feedback from the really smart, thoughtful, and compassionate people who read here. I’m not being sycophantic here - you all know how much I value your input in my life; help my friend out, woudja?
Mrs. Chili has graciously offered to let me guest post so I can write about some troubling things I cannot on my own blog.
I’m mourning the loss of a friendship. Well, to clarify, my friend’s side of it.
Back in 1991 when I was engaged to be married, I got to know my beloved’s quirky best friend. Tall and lanky, Rich laughed easily and was testing my wits with banter within moments of meeting him. Sarcasm and snarky put downs of the Jewish American Princesses and their behavior, and how much we reveled in being outsiders dominated our initial bonding, and by the time we started talking about comic books and science fiction, I knew we would be friends.
My husband, aka Side-show Bob, and I lived in Seattle at the time and we flew home to Montreal to get married in December of 1992. Dressed in a well-fitted Tux for his role as an usher, my friend Rich cleaned up nicely (he could usually be found in a Bat Man tee-shirt and jeans) and by the end of my wedding evening, had hooked up with one of my bridesmaids. Their dance floor antics - twirling, strutting and laughing - were a highlight of the wedding and I was thrilled when they dated for months afterward. They came to visit Bob and me in Seattle and were among the first to learn of my pregnancy with my now thirteen year-old daughter; they were shocked that I, at 29, would launch so quickly into motherhood when I could otherwise live freely and unencumbered by the huge responsibility of a child. That was mostly Rich’s attitude and it hasn’t changed; the world of my friend’s creation is an entirely selfish one, but I don’t condemn that view: REALLY, children are not for everyone.
While that has not changed for my friend, nearly everything else has. You can read the story of how I found out just how much here.
Since Rich became Valerie, we’ve spoken fairly regularly and although I hadn’t yet seen her, I did have access to photos of my friend’s transformation on her social networking site page. I was then and am still entirely supportive of her choice and her new reality. The old version, the male version, was an unhappy man and I often worried about the extent of his unhappiness; his humor was caustic at best and his moods dark. When we went years between seeing or speaking to Rich, we didn’t know why, but we recognized that something was going on and that he would surface eventually. Rich knew we would be there when he returned. Of course the reality was the secret life, the female persona he was investing increasing amounts of his life into, and the beginnings of his gender reassignment hormone therapy. When I finally understood what had been going on, I was relieved and thrilled and was eager to see Val.
When I knew I was going back to Montreal to visit my folks, I called and excitedly arranged for my daughters (13 and 10) to meet up with Val at a local Starbuck’s. I worried aloud to her that I might ask a question or say something that might offend, but she assured me that she knew I was adjusting and wouldn’t be offended by anything. After our visit, this is what I wrote:
This morning we saw Val and it was incredibly. .normal. Once I got over the rampant grinning and the hugging, we had a regular old conversation and caught up as the friends we are; we chatted about the things - movies, comics, Montreal, etc., that we always talk about and had a lovely visit. The girls were involved in the conversation and once they got beyond the strangeness, were also perfectly at ease. Val looks great, is happy, and is a snarky and sardonic as Rich ever was, but without the bitterness informed by HIS deep unhappiness. I am going to go for a long walk with her tomorrow and catch up properly, which I am looking so forward to.
Unfortunately, due to family obligations, that walk never happened and I returned to New England without having seen Val the second time. I didn’t think much of it and left a message thanking her for a great but short visit and requesting plans for the next time I came into town. I didn’t hear back for a week, which is unusual. When I got notification that she had updated her blog, I was saddened and floored to read the following:
I think that I’m coming to the sad conclusion that I just don’t have it in me to keep these {old} friendships going. Every time that I speak with people from my past it’s a constant reminder of the person that I used to be. It’s very hard for these friends to see me in a new light, and comments or criticisms hurt and annoy me. The truth is that even though I have spent countless hours over the past 20 years talking to these people, they really don’t know me at all. My newer friends see me and accept me as I am. There is no baggage. I don’t have to worry that they will slip up with pronoun usage or that they still refer to me by my last name…
My memory of our visit did not include any of what Val laments as the reasons for the unfortunate dismissal of our old friendship. Since she didn’t return my call and therefore obviously does not wish to discuss it, I find myself at a loss. Clearly I was having a very different, wonderful time with her than the one SHE experienced with me. This is also unmistakably NOT about me, but about Val.
For the last months since I learned of Val’s new world, I have been nothing short of exultant for Val about the happiness I know she is now experiencing for the first time in her life. Free of the chains of “male bullshit,” Val has flourished and I have been one of her most vocal cheerleaders. I have listened and encouraged while she talked of her look and her clothes and her new girlfriend, her strained relationship with her parents. Now while am letting go of my friendship with the no-longer existing Rich, and was transitioning to and getting to know the new manifestation, Val,she doesn’t want my presence in her life.
I actually understand the rejection, but it doesn’t really mitigate the sting. What I am is angry at her selfishness, her lack of direct communication, but again I understand this transformation IS all about her. New friends, without the filter of who she USED to be, are just easier. Without rancor, I really hope she is happy with her new friends but yeah, I do hope she eventually realizes that old camaraderie is invaluable and to be cherished. But she may not.
When and if she decides that those who have loved her in her various incarnations are again welcome in her life, I will still be there. MY side of this friendship is used to disappearing acts of months or years and Val has a LOT of shit to figure out on her chosen, but very difficult path.
If I am not the kind of friend she needs, so be it.
I’m still her cheerleader. Go, Val!
But I am cheerless.
Well, I think what you wrote was wonderful and since Val won’t return calls I would do one of two things. You said she has a blog, this is a great comment in response to the blog entry. Or, I would put it right out on your blog if you think she is still reading. I just went through a situation where my best friend dropped off the face of the earth during some of the toughest obstacles in my life. I kept trying for four years to get her to communicate. It finally came to fruition this past April where she came out of hiding. It was not the happy ending I wanted, but my heart and mind are at ease. I think you should do the same.
O’ Mama,
I think it is important to keep in mind is that Val has been working through this for years. She spent many years being unhappy in her own body, many years coming to terms with the fact that she was uncomfortable in her own body, and now is in the process of finding that comfort.
For me, as a regular ‘ole lesbian, it took a long time to get from the realization that I was a lesbian to being completely comfortable with it. I went through some very distinct stages, similar to the grieving stages, before I was ok with who I am. Part of that included spending a majority of my time and energy on people who were like me. I found a tremendous amount of comfort in that. It took me awhile to realize that my straight friends and family could continue to add value to my life. Not to say I ever thought they really couldn’t, but they were different. It just felt better to me at the time to be with people who were just like me. I never had to explain myself with my gay peeps. None of my gay peeps ever asked me the questions straight people did. “How do you have sex?”, “Who is the man in the relationship?”, and so on. Those questions still come up, I still hate answering them, but in the beginning, I couldn’t deal with them. You get what I am saying? Val is in the process of becoming a woman and, if I am reading correctly, a lesbian. That is a lot.
There is another huge piece for you to consider. It is very clear to me that you love, support, and accept Val for who she is. That is absolutely amazing. And it sucks big time. Here is why; No matter what anybody tells you, we all want to be unconditionally loved and accepted by our family. Although it is awesome when we can get that from other people, we really want and need it from our family. My parents were cool with my sexuality. Not cool in most other areas in my life. I got little to no emotional support from them. Their love for me was conditional. I did have other adults in my life that loved me without condition. You know how I dealt with that? I kept them(the adults) at a distance. You know when I figured out that I was doing that? Last year. It took me 34 years to figure out that I resented the people who loved me most. I resented them because they were giving me what I wanted my parents to give me but could or would not. It is very possible that Val is having some of the same feelings.
You said you are angry with Val because of the lack of communication and her selfishness. At this point in her life she may not know what needs to be communicated let alone how. And it is quiet possible that her selfishness is the only thing that is keeping her functioning right now.
In addition to that, I would like to add that she DID NOT choose this life. I have a feeling you understand that this is not a choice but I am putting it out there anyway. Who would choose to not like the gender they were born with? Who would choose to deal with the bullshit of narrow minded people who make fun of, discriminate against, and even kill transgendered people? Nobody would choose that. Being gay is hard enough and it takes a lot of courage to honor who you are. I cannot even imagine what it must feel like for a transgendered person.
Val may or may not come to a place where she wants to have your love and support in her life. In the meantime, if I found myself in your shoes, I would really take a look at my own feelings about the relationship. I can just about guarantee that you will learn something about yourself if you do.
I hope what I have written makes sense to you. Sometimes I feel like trying to explain this would be like you trying to explain childbirth to me. I can understand what you say, but I just will never get it unless I have kids of my own. And yeah, ouch!
- Auntie
Having been cast away a few times by “friends” changing their lives, I ought to have something worthwhile to say, but I don’t.
However, I’ll relate this. My ex-wife kept in touch with my mother for many years after our divorce. One day she sent a short note saying, “I don’t really see any use for us to stay in touch any more.” My mom was deeply saddened, having thought that the continuing relationship was worthwhile, and based on some mutual respect and affection. I had not been in touch with my ex for years prior to that note, and haven’t been since. I cannot say what motivated her to stay in touch with my mom, or what motivated her to abruptly terminate all connection.
I guess one of the truths of life is that those we have some sort of relationship can opt out at any time for any reason or for no reason at all.
what a generous post. People come in and out of our lives and there is really not a lot you can do about it…except give them the benefit of the doubt if you cannot actually see the handle of the knife sticking out of your back…I am in agreement with whodoesshethink (you never know what problems someone is living through…
Thank you all for your extremely helpful perspectives. Chili, again, merci beaucoups again for graciously extending use of your blog - you have folks with great perspectives hanging out here!
Chatty: Thank you. I like the idea of using the writing here to further the conversation, but it’s one Val is willingly avoiding, so I think I may receive hostility in return. I have to let this unfold as Val wants, I think, because her growth is headed into a direction away from mine. Perhaps in the future this will help clarify how her rejection - necessary or not - affected me - but I think that time isn’t now. I am sorry to hear about your friend’s abrupt and unexplained absence when you needed her. This has happened to me as well and it never gets easy to completely understand. .
Whodoesshethinksheisanyway:
Makes sense very much!
You’re right about a lot of things and your perspective is fabulously helpful; Val DOES need to be with people, trans and lesbians, who really understand in a fundamental way I can only understand theoretically. And I really liked your childbirth metaphor, btw. I do hope one day she’ll realize that her old, straight friends reflect pieces of who she is, and give her something she comes to understand serve her, but I do understand that it may not happen. That will continue to suck and I WILL miss her presence in my life, especially as we were reestablishing our friendship, but yeah, this is what SHE needs.
You’re right about her selfishness, too; it’s something I think she values highly, because for the first time in her life, SHE directs all aspects of what she does and determines what is important and sadly, what is NOT, in her life and to her evolution.
Finally, there is a small part of me that can’t help but wonder where I stopped being what she needed and became one of “them”: you know, those folks who make ignorant assumptions or ask obnoxious or stupid questions and are the people best avoided, as they certainly do not aid in forward momentum. I rather think it’s NOT that, but instead what I represent and I’ve been given THANK you- a great deal to think about now.
TWOBLUEDAY:
Thank you for your words. I think the most difficult part of our associations with people with who we share our hearts and dreams, etc, IS that option of termination at any point. That just bites, because we can’t help feeling hurt and abandoned and angry and yet, being “cast away” is a reality of life. It happens for reasons we may never fathom and I guess it comes down to the subjective necessity of selfishness and the ongoing lessons of learning to let go and not harboring bitterness. Yep, still learning that one.
O’ Mama-
You don’t seem to be one of “them”. She just may perceive you in that way. My sister is not one of “them” either but when I was first coming out, it was more comfortable for me to be around lesbians. In fact, I will go so far as to say it was even uncomfortable for me to be around gay men. I needed to be with people just like me at first.
Val is in a tough spot. The discussion about transgendered woman has come up with my own friends. Lesbian friends. Some of them refuse to accept transgendered lesbians as just lesbians. It’s stupid, I think. I can’t understand why they can’t just accept them (transgendered lesbians) as lesbians. I am sure Val is also running into this problem as well. I wish we could all just accept each other and get along.
It is so, so hard to respect a persons process when it is someone we love and want to be there for but they just wont let us. Chili is going through this with a friend and I am too. We both want so badly to help our friends and offer our support. Both of our friends are not accepting that help. I am forced to remind myself daily that all I can do is offer. It’s up to my friend to accept or not. I also remind myself that it is HER journey, not mine. The best thing I can do as a friend is to love her unconditionally which means that I need to take the “I think you should..” or “She would be so much happier if she…” out of my thinking.
At any rate, you seem like a very open minded, caring, compassionate, and accepting person. The world needs more of you.
-Auntie
I’ve been waiting to chime in here, because O’Mama and I have talked about this already, but what Auntie said resonated with me.
I remember Auntie’s coming out process, and I remember feeling very much like I imagine Mama’s feeling right now. I wanted so desperately for my sister to understand that I loved and accepted her unconditionally, and I was hurt and confused and angry that she seemed to actively push me away (of course, we were never really close to begin with - we only figured out how much we love each other about 15 or so years ago, but that’s another story).
I wasn’t nearly as mindful about it then as I would be now; I had more of a “fuck it” attitude and didn’t realize what SHE was going through. As they say, experience is something you get JUST after you need it. The point is that I stuck it out, I stayed available, and when she was ready, she came to me (though I did keep checking in periodically).
The thing about all of this is that there’s an essential intersection between how events affect us and how they affect the people we’re in it with. I think it’s just as important to recognize that something may be moving as the result of someone ELSE’S journey, but the fact remains that if you’re along for this portion of their ride, it’s going to affect you, too. The big point is that the only person you can really take care of is YOU - it sounds selfish, but in a big-picture sort of way, it’s not; it’s just reality. We only get to make choices for ourselves - how someone does or does not respond to the choices we make is entirely out of our control. It’s also true that sometimes, someone makes a decision - as Val has done - that takes a certain scope of control away from us. We can’t control whether or not someone takes our phone calls or deletes our comments on their blogs. What we CAN control - even if it takes a lot of work and all the love we can muster - is how we respond to that kind of behavior.
i think it’s wonderful that you are willing to wait and be there for her when she’s ready. that is true friendship, and i hope that someday she realizes it.
in the meantime, just keep reminding yourself that you did nothing wrong, and that what she is going through is about her and not you. the worst thing you can do is take this upon yourself and let it bring you down.
Auntie;
Thank you! Part of that, I think, is growing up the child of a Holocaust survivor, and part of that is growing up with enough marginalized friends, enough despicable world-views, to keep my mind open. Your sister helps too.
: )
Knowing several trans people has made it clear to me that this is FAR from merely a choice , it’s a damn near impossibly difficult choice. I get that Val NEEDS to be with her people. I forgive her for it, but I do wish I were still one of them…
But my love for Val IS long-term, and unconditional. AND (not but) I think beating my head against a closed door is something that if I don’t detach from somewhat, will continue to make me nuts. I’ve grown more accepting from this process, more likely to see how deeply we really are all connected, but I am very mindful that connection is always a choice.
As for your friend, I am certain she or he realizes you care deeply and are frustrated at the closed doors they’ve shown you. For both you and Chili, I hope the door opens, and soon.
Oddly enough, sometimes it feels worse to have people accept you for who you really are than for them to react negatively. I’m sure Val is still working through some amount of self-doubt and hatred. She probably vascillates between being angry at herself for expressing her true gender and waiting so long to figure out it was the best thing to do. Sometimes, when you’re working through tough stuff like that, the last thing you want is someone who says they understand and accept you. You either a) are angry because you think they are being dishonest because how could someone else understand and accept you when you don’t understand or accept yourself or b) are angry because they don’t give you the opportunity to punish yourself with their judgment.
I also think it’s possible that your willing acceptance makes her feel bad because it seems to come so much easier than her own acceptance of herself. She has struggled with this for decades (and is still struggling) so your ability to adjust and move on either feels like it minimizes her struggles or that she made it more difficult than it needed to be. Also, we all hear accounts of how incredibly difficult it is for transgendered people and how their loved ones let them down. We rarely see a talk show interview about the supportive people. I’m sure she practiced what she would say to people and how she would respond to their negative comments and questions. I doubt she ever practiced how she would response to a supportive reaction. She prepared herself for a fight, not for a loving embrace.
And, finally, she has experienced huge changes in her life. She has felt trapped in the wrong body for her entire life and when she finally could no longer live like that she knew she had to change and become a different person to the world. Although that change is scary, I’m sure it’s also exciting. I would think that although negative reactions from people would be very painful, they would also be confirmation of that change. Sometimes we prefer a negative reaction to a non-reaction.
It does seem that she is telling you she needs time, but I also think she is testing you by posting what she did on her blog that she knows you read. I think it might be good to send her a note (a real one - not an email) letting her know that you love her and will always be there if she needs you. A phone call or email, I think, indicates more of an expectation of a response whereas a personal note does not. Just a suggestion - it’s difficult to know what would be best when you don’t know any of the people involved!
Good luck - I hope that she rediscovers what a great friend she has in you.
O’ Mama-
My friend is going through some very difficult things right now. I said to her last week; “I’m here for you. Please don’t push me away.” “I probably will.” She said. Again, it’s so hard for me because I want to help her through her tough times. I love her very much and I don’t want her to be alone. I left her feeling very upset and sad. After thinking about it for awhile I realized I was making it about me. I was sad because I don’t want her to be alone. I, I, I, me, me, me! It is so not about me. I have been able to come to a place where I am not taking it so personally. Again, it’s HER journey. I am not sad for her nor am I mad at her for not taking what I have to give. I have faith in the way the universe works. She is exactly where she needs to be and what ever happens, she will be ok.
I am in no way trying to minimize your feelings. Let me repeat, I am NOT trying to minimize your feelings!! This is just my way of exploring YOUR feelings. You said ” I forgive her for it,…” What exactly are you forgiving her for? What did SHE do to YOU? It seems to me, based on what you have written, that she is trying to find her place in the world. Right now, you are not part of place and you are having feelings about it, as you should. YOUR job now is to sit with your feelings and see what you find. You can view this situation as something someone has done to you or you can look at it from the perspective that you have an opportunity to learn something about yourself. From where I sit, there is a gift in there for you!
Btw, do you mind that I am calling you O’ Mama? I like it! Its got a nice ring to it. If you would rather I go with the more formal Organic Mama I will.
-Auntie
Jules, Thank you for your thoughtful response. I like your idea and I have been writing this note in my head for a few days, particularly when I should be sleeping at 2 or 3 in the morning… I AM taking this as a test, and I think you’re right about the attachment that usually accompanies a message, so a card - I have JUST the card in my collection - is a great way for me to articulate how I feel. With no strings.
Auntie;
Call me “hey you” or whatever you like! I am SO not formal! O’Mama is good, because it’s a whole lot less formal than what I chose when I started this whole blogging thing (which does reflect part, but certainly not all of me).
Hmm. forgive. I think I forgive her for being as selfish as she needs to be, for not considering my feelings, for NOT communicating directly - all of the foundations of friendship stuff that she “doesn’t have it in” her for. See, when I put it like THIS, I realize that my anger is a small, small thing in the face of her journey. but I’m still going to have to work through it. Yay, another fucking growth opportunity!!
Wow, I was going to blog about “breaking up with a friend” on my own blog. How timely to read this post.
Best to you.
This is an amazing post, and I have also enjoyed reading all the wonderful and well thought out comments.
I can only speak from personal experience. But when I have reconnected with old friends (particularly those who witnessed some rough patches I went through in my younger days), I have felt pain and shame that had nothing to do with them or anything they had done or said in the past or the present. I wasn’t at a point where I truly forgave myself for “whatever” and it was easier to cut them out of my life and not see them anymore rather than deal with my emotions, sort out my feelings. So, keep in mind, that while you have every right to feel sorrow and confusion, this may have absolutely NOTHING to do with you or your meeting.
I am appalled by the HUGE amount of passive aggressive activity that goes on on blogs and live journals-you deserved better than that.
Sending hugs your way.
I agree with Jules about the note. I think it’s important to make it clear that the door will always remain open but in a way that’s utterly without pressure or time frame.
I also agree with Auntie that the note should be worded carefully so that it is entirely about Val. Using language like “I forgive you” may come across as condescending given the circumstances so a reiteration of how much you enjoyed your short time together and how much you hope there will be a place for that in her life later is perfect and good. I can’t help but think that some day she will recognize the infinite value in a message like that even if she can’t do so right now.
I had a lot of opportunities in my childhood to learn how to wait. I’m well practiced in it (I, I, I, me, me, me) and still it’s one of the hardest things to do, especially when people we love are involved.
Best of luck!
This has been SO helpful and I thank you all for your generosity of wisdom.
I’m late to the party….I’ve been working on my response. The other fine readers have said many things I would have, so I won’t repeat it.
I would like to tell you a quick story about a childhood best friend. He and I were the best of friends. We were platonic friends for a long time, then romantic, then platonic again. We were truly a match. Hell, I was dating someone else, but went to prom with my friend. That’s how close we were. Everyone knew we were inseparable.
Then one day, his girlfriend told him something horrible. It was a lie, though I still don’t know what she said. For whatever reason, he believed her. He wrote me a letter telling me what a bad person I was and he never wanted to see or speak to me again. I was crushed and never ever the same. I had no idea what I did…or didn’t do. We didn’t speak and I lost part of myself. It took years for me to recover from that hole in my life and it really never went away, you know?
Anyway, last year, my friend found me on one of those social sites and reached out. He apologized and admitted he should have trusted me. The second I got the email, I was thrilled. All of the bad feelings went away and there was just relief to have part of that hole filled again. Things will never be the same…almost 20 years have gone by….but knowing he’s a friend again makes it okay.
I guess what I’m saying is don’t ever give up. Give Val some time. It’s never too late for them to change their minds and come back.