Monday Meme

I’ve not done a Monday Meme in a while. I came across this one at Mamacita’s place; she was practically begging people to steal it, so I thought I’d help her out with that:

The Rules: Bold the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. Sarcastic comments in parenthesis are encouraged.

Give advice that matters in one sentence. (Love like you mean it.) (Manners matter.) (Asking for help when you need is it a sign of strength, not weakness.)

2. Tell if someone is lying. (I THINK I’m good at this, but I suspect I’m not – though I can TOTALLY tell if one of my girls is handing me a line – a skill which will serve me well, Grasshopper.)

3. Take a photo. (I’m getting better at this, but I still have a way to go.)

4. Score a baseball game. (I watch, but I let the other guys keep track for me.)

5. Name a book that matters. (Once I’m done with 100 Movies, guess which I’m doing next!)

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. (I’ve never been a “fanatic” fan.)

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. (Does an oven count? I make a great roast…)

8. Not monopolize the conversation. (I’m a really good listener, though I do sometimes have to be mindful to shut up; I CAN talk.)

9. Write a letter. (I will still, on occasion, write pen-and-paper letters. I love receiving them, too, so I put the effort into sending one out every so often.)

10. Buy a suit. (Neither for my husband nor myself. Thankfully, neither of our jobs requires such nonsense.)

11. Swim three different strokes. (I can keep myself from drowning in myriad ways, though I wonder if any swim instructor would recognize what I do as “strokes”.)

12. Show respect without being a suck-up. (Pffft! This is easy! There are SO many people I respect for so many different reasons!)

13. Throw a punch. (I’m going with Mamacita’s answer on this one; I’ve never done it, but “lay a hand on my kids and you’ll find out”.)

14. Chop down a tree. (I prefer to plant them…)

15. Calculate square footage. (Please – you know about me and math….)

16. Tie a bow tie. (Mr. Chili’s wedding tux came with a pre-tied tie.)

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (I’ve got a couple of good recipes, actually, though I rarely have occasion to use them.)

18. Speak a foreign language. (Not “speak” so much as “sign”)

19. Approach a woman/man out of his/her league. (I am rarely intimidated by people.)

20. Sew a button. (I’m not a whiz with a needle and thread, but I can sew buttons and the occasional medieval gown with passable skill.)

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (I’ve never had occasion to argue with a European about anything…)

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it. (Again, Mamacita’s answer: “Bad grammar merits no attention.”)

23. Be loyal. (Unquestionably.)

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (I’m not even sure what the hell this means..)

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. (I know what THIS means (yes I do, Auntie – shut it!) and though I’ve not had occasion to do it, I’m sure I could.)

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (I hate fishing)

27. Play gin with an old guy. (I’m not overly fond of card games, either.)

28. Play go fish with a kid. (…though this one I can do – and have done, repeatedly.)

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. (Quantum physics fascinates me on a spiritual level.)

30. Feign interest. (. . . like a paid escort! (stolen, yet again, from Mamacita – isn’t she great?!))

31. Make a bed. (Every morning.)

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. (How about”YUM!”? Does “yum!” count?)

33. Hit a jump shot in pool. (I suck at pool.)

34. Dress a wound. (I’m great in an emergency – as long as no one pukes)

35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. (Piece of cake; I can do this if I have to; and no.)

36. Make three different bets at a craps table. (I was entirely uninterested in gambling when we were in Vegas – it holds zero appeal to me.)

37. Shuffle a deck of cards. (Nothing fancy, but I can get the cards fairly mixed.)

38. Tell a joke. (I’ve got a couple of good ones – I’m better at stories, though.)

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he/she will hear. (I had two kids to practice this skill with, and I did okay.)

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. (It’s all about manners.)

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. (I’ve seen others do it – remind me to tell you the story of dog-sitting with Kizz…)

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. (I can change a light bulb…)

44. Ask for help. (I’m VERY good at this (see question #1.)

45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist.

46. Tell a woman’s dress size. (NO ONE should even ATTEMPT this. The correct answer is almost ALWAYS “4″)

47. Recite one poem from memory. (Hello?!? Dorky English teacher here!)

48. Remove a stain.

49. Say no. (I’m getting better at this)

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.

51. Build a campfire. (Despite my general disdain (okay, hatred) of camping, I can, in fact, build a pretty kick-ass campfire.)

52. Step into a job no one wants to do. (Yep. It’s kind of a requirement for the whole Mom gig )

53. Sometimes, kick some ass. (Here’s something else I seem to have little trouble with)

54. Break up a fight. (I’ve not broken up a PHYSICAL fight, but I’ve de-escalated two 20-something morons who were getting ready to throw down in my classroom.)

55. Point to the north at any time. (If the sun’s out.)

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (Pffft! This is EASY!)

57. Explain what a light-year is. (I don’t know, you tell me – is it the distance light travels in 365 Earth days?)

58. Avoid boredom. (Books. ‘Nuff said )

59. Write a thank-you note. (I INSIST on this.)

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. (ONE? How about five – Ovaltine, Heinz ketchup, Coca-Cola, Volkswagen, Ben and Jerry)

61. Cook bacon. (I’m scared of popping fat, so I cook it in the oven. YUM!)

62. Hold a baby. (I can do this in my sleep – and HAVE!)

63. Deliver a eulogy. (I could write a great one, but I’d likely never be able to get through it. I’m a wicked softie and can cry quite readily)

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. (And what’s more, I teach my kids a more balanced view of history than they get in schools)

65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. (I doubt it.)

66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. (This is even LESS likely)

67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. (PLEASE. I’m 5′2″)

68. Find his/her way out of the woods if lost. (Since I’m never IN the woods, this is never an issue for me.)

69. Tie a knot.

70. Shake hands. (People, especially men, are often surprised at the firmness of my grip)

71. Iron a shirt. (I CAN, but I DON’T. That’s what the dry cleaners are for – besides, neither Mr. Chili nor I have to dress in clothing that requires ironing anyway)

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. (I have one in the car, as a matter of fact)

73. Caress a woman’s neck. (I don’t roll that way.)

74. Know some birds. (Not only do I know some birds (well, not PERSONALLY, but whatever), I can I.D, them by their songs, even!)

75. Negotiate a better price (”Here’s how much I’m willing to give you; do you WANT my money, or not?!”)

Happy Monday, Everyone!