Comments on: The Same, but Somehow Different

By: Louise Cannon

Louise Cannon — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 02:34:25 +0000

Can she get into Medicaid/Medicare just to have a paid sitter for sometimes? I hope “somehow different” doesn’t morph into “very much the same.” Maybe things will change quickly, but it doesn’t seem to me like this is going to be over as soon as everyone thinks. But then again, it seems the lack of time some people spend, they might things she’s going to hang on forever. Death and dying brings out the worst in a lot of people. Not that anyone is being “bad,” per se, but a lot of people don’t know how to handle it, therefore just shut down. Maybe it would do some good to talk to the bereavement counselor and figure out where they are in this. You’re extended so thin that you’re probably not going to remember much of this when it’s all over. Or much of anything that has happened the past few weeks/months.

By: finding pam

finding pam — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 22:04:39 +0000

I am not sure if I can add anything to this post that has not already been said. Would it be possible for the son and his wife to hire a caretaker for your mom?

By: Mrs. Chili

Mrs. Chili — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:46:58 +0000

Bob, thank you. Hearing from people who’ve done this – and hearing that their experiences have been similar to mine – helps me feel more grounded and, I don’t know… real, I guess. For all the people who are offering their love and advice, this experience is exceedingly isolating; knowing that what’s happening to me is familiar to those who have gone through it matters a lot.

I’m really hoping to avoid the guilt. I’m having to reconcile that I’m a fallible human being and that the best I can do is the best I can do. Allowing myself the room to not be perfect has been a primary exercise through all of this.

By: Bob

Bob — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:41:07 +0000

I was the primary care-giver for both of my parents during their terminal stages (cancer and Lou Gehrig’s). I had a three month partial break between my dad passing and my mom starting her decline. They both passed within a year of each other and I was totally burned out after it was all over.

I felt extreme relief after it was over followed by extreme guilt for feeling that relief and for not always keeping my patience during the process. We had a small family with just me and my brother. He lived 600 or so miles away so all the difficult and embarrassing chores fell to me. Hospice helped a lot and I’m very grateful for their services.

I don’t know what advice to give you and nothing I can say will make it any easier. You’re dealing with it just like I had to. You’ll get stressed and run through all the emotions of guilt, anger, and sadness. It’ll soon end and you’ll move on. It’s been four years since I went through all that and I still occasionally think about it and how I might have done things better. Dying just sucks unless you are fortunate enough to pass in your sleep.

By: sphyrnatude

sphyrnatude — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 12:54:59 +0000

sweetie, I have to agree with NHfalcon…. NOBODY likes having to do that type of thing, but it is kind of like the “need” vs. “want” thing. “Don’t like/want to” and “can’t” are two very different things.

I’ve been there (with my grandmother), and it IS difficult, but sometimes you just have to do something.

I know you’re doing everything you can to keep things balanced, and I’ll dope slap you if you get too far out of kilter again….

Love ya..

By: Dingo

Dingo — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 05:02:43 +0000

I love what Ms. George wrote, “because all the times I worked with him, I told him continually how much I loved him.”
I hope that you realize that you did and are doing everything within your power and more to show your Mom how much you love her.

By: Ms. George

Ms. George — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 02:27:14 +0000

Sometimes the comfort zones may need to be ‘breached’ for the greater good: you! It is very easy for people to say, ‘I’m not comfortable doing…” What do they think we are feeling? Who do they think ‘does’ this stuff?

I had to do things for my father I never imagined I’d be doing: feeding him, washing every inch, changing diapers, getting snot out of his nose… and as hard as that was, and how much I resented my sister for being twelve hours away 99.9 % of the time, I wish I had one more chance to feed him (but I’ll forgo the other things) because all the times I worked with him, I told him continually how much I loved him. One more time would be nice.

I believe there is a special place in heaven for caregivers. My thoughts continue to be with you, Mrs. Chili.

By: Mrs. Chili

Mrs. Chili — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 22:15:48 +0000

Crisitunity, don’t beat yourself up over this; the idea that mom’s only getting back what she put out just occurred to me yesterday as I was thinking about and observing how everyone was behaving.

Scuba Girl, I’ll ‘fess up to a tiny bit of resentment. No one is putting themselves out of their comfort zones and, as a result, the situation for Bill and me is essentially unchanged.

By: SCUBA GIRL

SCUBA GIRL — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 21:53:18 +0000

Chili–you ARE being too nice. You tend to those personal issues because you LOVE your mother. Your brother and sister-in-law ought to be doing the same thing. Is it comfortable? Of course, but she’s your mom and you do it because you LOVE her. ‘Nuf said. I’d like to choke them.

By: crisitunity

crisitunity — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 20:08:03 +0000

“Getting back what she put out” – ah-ha. That clarifies things a great deal and I partially take back what I said.

I’m not sure I would agree to change the diapers of my own father, because he would be humiliated if I did, and also because of what he has put into our relationship over the years. BUT, I still feel heartless knowing that I feel this way about it. And because of how much love you have expressed for your mother in these pages, I assumed that any relationship your mom would have with her children was nothing like what I have with my parents.

I guess I re-learned that old lesson about assuming, and who it makes an ass of.