Ten things I’ve been thinking about lately:
1. I miss my mother, but not in the way I was expecting to. Rather than being occasional pangs of “I wish I could call her,” it’s more of a low-level, dull ache. I’m constantly aware of her not-here-ness. It’s not acute, by any means, and it’s not distracting or bothersome, it’s just there… which is strange, because she’s not…
2. I think that I need to do some reconnecting to my core values and beliefs. I was so thrown off my center this summer that I feel as though I’ve lost my sense of place in the Universe. Working with Holocaust literature with my high school kids has helped a fair bit – I’m talking to people about human dignity and responsibility - but I think I need to do more to get me back to that feeling of belonging and agency and connectedness that I used to live in.
3. I find it strange that I can well up at the most unexpected things. I was watching the season premiere of Private Practice on TiVo the other day, and the scene where Addison lets Naomi have it for “leaving her” really got to me. I guess I’m still sorting through a lot of abandonment issues around the demise of a particular friendship. Because it’s not a constant feature in my consciousness, I’m surprised when it hits me like that.
4. I’m really looking forward to getting our online book club started, and to attending a couple of upcoming workshops at Local U. I really feel like I need some in-depth, focused intellectual conversation. I need to know that I can still run with the academic big dogs.
5. Speaking of big dogs, Carson is coming to visit me! At least, I THINK he’s coming to visit me; when we spoke last week, he was waiting for approval for his trip from his administration. I’m really, REALLY looking forward to having this man sitting across from me. Wine, chocolate, and non-stop conversation! (I’m sorry, Honey, but I don’t think it’s still going to be pretty by the time you get here; the leaves, they are a-fallin’ FAST).
6. I am sick, nearly unto death, of the babyish squabbling going on over politics. Don’t bother leaving me a comment about how it was just as bad – if not worse – when Bush was in office, either; that’s not my point. I’m not saying ‘woe is us; The right is picking on us:’ I’m saying that I wish that the people we entrust with making our decisions – ALL of them – would just grow the fuck up and do their goddamned jobs so there wouldn’t be anything to complain about. Never going to happen, I know, but that’s what I wish.
7. The problem of the check-engine light might finally be fixed!
I dropped the car with Ed after having it for weeks with the check-engine light on. I finally decided that it might be best if I actually get the thing fixed because I didn’t want for there to be something actually wrong with the car that I’d ignore because I’m so used to the light being on. I called Ed last night – after having left the car with him all day – and he says that it’s likely the problem is that a replacement (non Volkswagen) thermostat isn’t talking to the computer. He’s going to switch out the generic one for the brand-name one, and we’ll see what happens.
8. I want very, very much to be offered a full-time gig at CHS. I fantasize about it, even, to the point that I’m looking into how to get qualified to teach AP English classes (right now, they have no one who can teach them) and am dreaming up a list of electives that I can add to the roster. I had no idea that I would love this job as much as I do, and I’m looking forward to being a full-time, permanent member of the faculty.
9. I’ve been circling around the idea that language is the “lowest” form of communication. Lately, I’ve been having trouble adequately expressing some of the things I think and feel; I’m finding that the language that I have available to me, beautiful and expressive though it is, is woefully insufficient to the tasks I set to it. I can get the idea across, certainly, but I’m never quite satisfied that it’s as rich and full and, well, flavorful as what’s in my head. As someone who works with language all the time, I find this vaguely distressing. As someone who believes that we, as beings, are so much more than what we “are,” I find this exhilerating.
10. We have turned a corner, weather-wise. I can feel it. My arthritis is grumbling, the forecast says no temperatures above 60° for the foreseeable future and, as I mentioned earlier, the landscape is changing rapidly. The tree outside of Chez Chili is a glorious yellow-brown right now – with the sun streaming through its branches, it’s quite a sight – but there are at least as many leaves on the ground underneath it as there are still clinging to the limbs. Another good windy-rainy day, and the tree will be bare. I’m bundling into sweaters and cords and woobie-socks, and my thoughts are again returning to home-baked bread and evenings under the feather blankets. Here we go again.
Happy Tuesday, Everyone!
Grief can be like that—it kind of shifts from screaming in your face to a dull roar. And then you see, hear, think, smell, remember, fell something that brings you to bittersweet tears.
We’re a bit behind you in the fall color department. Ours are pretty good right now–peak would probably be this weekend. Snow is in the forecast, so the leaf peepers may be disappointed.
We’re off to Pittsburgh today to get some stuff for #2 daughter’s upcoming trip to Australia.
happy tuesday
xox
Re #6: I had exactly the same thought watching the morning news today, and I thought “if we don’t get things under control, I think we’re gearing up for some sort of revolution. People cannot let this continue.”
Don’t these politicians get this??
3. Not unrelated to one’s mother dying either I would think.
6. Dude, my state legislature stopped speaking to each other this summer, culminating in ridiculousness like all the Republicans are in one room and all the Dems in another and they’d wait for a member of the other party to accidentally walk through the room so they could call that a quorum (“We had a majority in the room! Yuh huh!”) and vote on legislation. I want to burn them all and salt the fucking earth.
4. I’m going to be in Vegas for the rest of the week but I’m hoping to have my end set up by the end of next week. We still on for early November?
6. It’s going to get worse. Much worse.
10. Did I mention that I’ll be in Vegas for the next few days. 70s and 80s. I get to wear shorts and my Vibrams again. Yeehaw.
#9.
I’m puzzled. All of our thoughts are in words; all of our feelings come from our thoughts. All of them. How can one have thoughts or feelings which cannot be expressed in words?
What are the other forms of communication? Well, touch, certainly, and “body language” I suppose.
Entertain, if you will, the notion that your verbal expressions do not fail as you imagine they do, and ask yourself why you feel that they do. Is this a burden you are unnecessarily laying on yourself?
Usual caveats apply: you know me well enough to know I’m not quibbling, but discussing a subject which concerns you, a person I care about deeply.
#10. The man on the tube said it might snow on Sunday. Just sayin.
I’m sick to death of political squabbles as well – just them wasting more of our money.
I’m curious to know what you think is a “higher” form of communication? Just curious.
For the record I’m a huge fan of words and how they work but many (most?) of my thoughts and feelings don’t start in words. I’ve had reason to explore that possibility a lot lately.