I’m learning to let go.
Over the past year or so, something about me has changed. I don’t know whether it was a gradual shift or something essential in my foundation moved, but I am definitely different. A big consequence of that difference is that I am coming to realize that I am growing less and less tolerant of behavior that I find offensive, inappropriate, or downright reprehensible.
For a long time – most of my life, really – I have deliberately and consciously overlooked things that other people did to me and other people that upset me because I really wanted people to like me. I understand that I’m not perfect – no one is – and so I justified my silence about things that really bothered me as my being mature and generous; you know, the whole “judge not lest ye be judged” sort of thing. Not calling people out on their shit also greatly diminished the possibility that they would reject me, so I put up with a lot more than I should have in the name of the acceptance of others.
Yeah; I’m done with that.
Over the last year, especially, I have been deeply and painfully disappointed by people I love. Yes; I understand that one can only be disappointed if one has expectations, and that expectations are often unrealistic, and that it’s not fair to impose your expectations on others, blah, blah, blah. The point is that, even a few years ago, I would have worked to compartmentalize my relationships with these people in an effort to wall off the things that they do or say or believe that rankled me (and let’s be clear that I’m not talking about the person who always interrupts, or the one who chews with her mouth open; I’m talking about much bigger-picture things here). I’m taking a hard look at what these folks bring to my life, though, and adjusting my behavior accordingly; if I find myself getting anxious about having to interact with someone in any way, I’m really re-thinking whether or not the relationship is important enough to me to live around the land mines.
It actually feels good to let go of these people and the energy they bring into my environment. While I miss the people I had hoped they would be, I understand that seeing them for who they really are and releasing my expectations of them is, in its own way, an act of love.