Monthly Archives: November 2005

Feeling Bad About Feeling Good

A couple of weeks ago, I was out with some friends. Not old, known-them-forever friends, but people who I was really hoping to develop into old, known-them-forever friends. I saw one of these friends this afternoon, and now I’m thinking that the kind of relationships that I’ve been hoping for are not likely to happen.

I shared a comment that someone made to me at work with these friends a few weeks ago, and it turns out that one of these ladies – perhaps both, I don’t know for sure – took it badly. She was offended by my sharing this positive news with her. I suspect that it made her feel as though I thought myself above her (all of us are in the same profession), though that was in NO way my intention. I was excited; bouyed by a small bit of good news amongst a litany of frustrations and uncertainties. That my comments were taken the way they were leaves me at a loss for what to do next.

I’ve spent the afternoon trying to sort out my feelings about all of this. I am excited by the fact that someone at work thinks I’m doing a good job, but do I think that means that I know all there is to know about my work? Not even a little. I want to be able to share these kinds of thing with my friends, though – it feels as though all I ever talk about lately are negative things – but now I’m feeling that I need to be very guarded about what I say.

I’m beginning to notice that this seems to happen to me a lot lately. There are only a few people who I can talk to about my frustrations surrounding the construction to my house; there are some people with whom I do not discuss the fact that my marriage is happy and stable. It used to be that only politics and religion were taboo subjects. I’m finding that’s not necessarily the case.

I’m certain that there’s something about ME that’s causing the problem. I’m going to go hibernate for a while to see if I can figure out what it is.

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It Was the Same Old Sh*t…

…wrapped up in a slightly different bow.

The meeting with the Biologic went off as planned on Sunday. Sister and I met up with the Biologic at the appointed time in the appointed place. She brought a friend with her (she has FRIENDS!! Who KNEW?!?) whose sole purpose at this little party, it seemed, was to keep the Biologic on track and to nod sagely at opportune moments.

The song and dance number was the same – there were no real surprises, though she did put a new twist on the time-honored power-play/blackmail combination – and I left all that much more certain that I’m beyond the need to be sucked into the drama cycle. Sister thinks that there will be more drama, and probably very soon, but I simply don’t care. There is nothing that either of my natural parents can do to harm me in any way at this point, so the only thing they’ll be doing is pouring more negative energy into the Universe.

It makes me sad for them

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Two Weeks and a Thousand Dollars

That’s the mantra of new construction. The big joke is that you can have anything you want, but that it’s going to take two weeks and cost a thousand dollars.

I’m not laughing.

We started this construction project in June. I was told that it would be finished by September and, truthfully, the part that was promised by September IS done. It’s not DONE done, though; our things are still all over the place, we still have a kitchen that’s in pieces (though, honestly, the stove, fridge and sink all do still work), we’re still lacking floors and heating and plumbing, and now it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to start nesting until AFTER Christmas.

Remember a couple of posts ago when I said that I was impressed by how well I’m keeping up my stamina? I’m taking that back. I’m losing it, big time, and the worst part is that there’s not a damned thing I can do about it. My tantrums, begging, tears and negotiations aren’t going to change the fact that the house isn’t going to be finished anytime soon, and I just don’t know what to do about that.

I’m also not sure how to make people understand how truly desperate this makes me feel. I had someone tell me the other day that this isn’t a big deal, that I should be thankful I’m not living out of the back seat of my car. Yeah, I get that, but what is that supposed to make me feel? Is that comparison supposed to diminish the fact that having my home in this kind of flux and disarray is deeply disturbing to me? I feel anchorless, scattered. My energy is being sucked out by the anxiety I feel about the state of my safe place. I’m not sure that people understand and, honestly, I’m a little tired of having to explain it.

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Go Get This

I downloaded this album today from iTunes. I got hooked by a maybe forty-five second clip of “Since You’ve Been Around” in the background of Grey’s Anatomy last week, and I spent three days hunting down the name of the song and the beautiful voice that sings it. Her name is Rosie Thomas and she’s a singer/songwriter from Seattle. If you like folky, kinda Shawn Colvin, kinda Jonatha Brooke, you should give this woman a listen. I’m pretty sure you won’t be disappointed.

I wasn’t.

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Epiphany

I got a phone call the other day from my cousin, who happens to be one of only two people in my family I still speak to. She’d called my cell phone to give me a heads-up that my biological mother was looking for me – Cousin wasn’t sure why, but knowing the history between me and my parents (and coming down on my “side” of things, as it were) she wanted me to be forewarned. The Biologic wants a meeting, next weekend, between herself, me and my sister (who’s the other of the two I’m on speaking terms with). It’s looking more and more like I’ll be attending this meeting on my own, though, because Sister wants nothing to do with it.

I’ve had a couple of days to think about how I feel about all of this, and here’s what I’ve come up with: I’m SO done. Before now, the announcement that a Biologic was looking for me would fill me with an ominous dread. I’d get a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach; my mind would start racing around all the horrible things that could be done or said; I’d have a very visceral, and not very pleasant, reaction.

This time, though? Nothing. I mean, nothing. No twinge of fear or anger or nausea. No reaction at all.

I am in love with this feeling. It feels very much like the moment when you realize, after having been sick or in pain for an extended period of time, that you’re no longer sick or hurting. The word “relief” doesn’t quite fit, neither does any other I can come up with – and I’m a wordy English geek. I feel as though, finally, I have managed to click the latch on that particular door; whatever I thought I needed from my family of origin is being fulfilled somewhere else.

I’m meeting with the Biologic out of a sense of magnanimity (see? I really AM a wordy English geek!). I HAVE closure on this relationship – that much I’ve proven to myself by the fact that I’m completely at peace with this whole scene. There’s the possibility that’s what the Biologic wants, and if that’s so then I’m more than willing to give that. If she’s come for a fight, or for another round of pass the blame (or the guilt, or the blackmail or….), well, I’m just not interested in playing anymore, and I’m strong enough now to take my ball and go home. I have no interest whatsoever in having another go at a relationship with them, though, and she will leave empty handed if that’s what she’s looking for. I am very happy with the way things are, with them out of my (and, perhaps more importantly, my children’s) life. I feel very sorry if that isn’t okay with them, but they spent a great deal of my growing up telling me that if I didn’t like the way things are, I would just have to wait until I was a grown-up and could make my own decisions.

Guess what? I’m a grown-up now…

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In My Element

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. I have some drama surrounding my job, the house project is dragging and, God help us all, the holidays are approaching.

Every once in a while, I take a step back from my life and try to have a look at what’s going on from a little distance, and lately I’ve been amazed by how well I’ve managed to keep up with it all. This stuff takes a fair bit of stamina, and frankly I’m impressed by the fact that I’ve been able to keep up.

This morning, a Girlfriend of mine posted the results of a fun internet questionnaire on her blog I went to the site she referenced and took the “What Element Are You” quiz. This is what I came up with:

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red

Your energy: hot

Your season: spring

Like a fire, you are full of power and light.
A born leader, you easily draw people toward you.
You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous.
You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

This might explain it…

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