Daily Archives: July 13, 2009

Stepping Back

Let’s see how this goes.

Tonight, after my shift with Mom, the girls and I are packing into the Puck and heading to the Cape to spend my two days off with Gerry, Honey, BlueMoon and NewMoon.

I can’t wait, but I won’t lie and tell you that I’m not more than a little anxious.

This will be the first time I’ve had off – completely off – since Mr. Chili’s surprise party on June 13th (and even then, I stopped in on my way through to check on how things were going).  I’m afraid I’ve almost forgotten how to not be “on.”

I’ve been told, on no uncertain terms and by a pretty staggering array of people, that I need this time.  I spoke with Ellie this morning (I wanted to give her an update on how the weekend went after the adjustment of Mom’s medication) and told her that I was going away.  She made me promise to completely disengage; I’m not to call and, unless something really changes, no one is going to call me.  “Enjoy yourself, enjoy your girls, and relax,” she said, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

I’m not entirely sure how Mom feels about my leaving.  I joked with her yesterday and told her that if she wants me to be with her when she passes, then she’s going to have to wait until at least Thursday to do it.  I have the feeling that she’s displeased that I’m going, but I know that the logical part of her understands that it’s vital that I have some time away in order to continue to care for her at all.  Then again, she’s pretty well medicated at the moment (we finally got her pain under control and, as a result, she’s spending a lot of time asleep); I’m not sure she’ll have any concept of the time that will pass while I’m gone.

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I really wish that Mr. Chili could come with us, but he’s in it up to his eyebrows at work for the next two weeks.  Regardless, I will be surrounded by people who love me exceedingly well; I have no doubt that they will feed my soul and I will return much more whole and peaceful than I was when I arrived.

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Filed under admiration, celebration, compassion and connection, concerns, family matters, Friends, Home and Family, love notes, messages from the Universe, My husband rocks!, my oh-so-exciting life, on death and dying, Parenting, road trip!, vacation

Monday Meme

Stolen from Improbable Joe this week.  Imagine!


1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . . is perfect.

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . may not pan out.  I’m really hoping to be free to accept the offer from the charter school in the fall…

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . . I’m very open to messages; I get a lot of information when my logical brain is busy with the business of driving, freeing the rest of me to be open and receptive.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . . more time for me.

5. I’ve come that realize that I have lost. . . a bit of perspective through all of this.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . .  I feel helpless and cornered – also when I feel people are placing unreasonable expectations on me.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . I don’t have an answer for this one – I’m almost never drunk, and haven’t been so much as tipsy in a very long time.  I HAVE realized, though, that when this is all over, I fully intend to get a little snockered…

8. I’ve come to realize that money… only matters if you don’t have any.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . . just don’t get it.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . want to give more than I have.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . . is very, very busy.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom… is scared

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . . is my life line.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning… I understood how much I missed being in my own home.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . I feel better about scheduling myself time away from my mother.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . . about sitting on Gerry’s porch looking at the salt marshes.

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . . was (is?) a severely damaged man.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . I have no idea what I’m doing.  As a result, I’m rarely on.

19. I’ve come to realize that today. . . is going to be a long one.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . I’m going to very much look forward to being with Gerry and Honey and BlueMoon.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . needs to be taken at face value.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . not worry anymore.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . . whomever wants it (I hate these questions).

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . . is what you make it.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . . could well be a long one (and not in a good way).

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . . is either quiet and soothing (om and the like) or really, really loud.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . are wonderful, amazing people (but I already knew that; this is not a new realization)

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . . is one of the most challenging I’ve had in a long time.

29. I’ve come to realize that my exes. . . are great people – just not great people I can be with 100% of the time.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . get a massage or take a couple of yoga classes.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . . my family more than anything.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . . how people can not see the obvious.

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . does not indicate future performance.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . . are more fun when someone else hosts them.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . that my mother is going to live long enough to experience unmanageable pain.

36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . . is pretty damned good.

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Filed under Little Bits of Nothingness, meme, my oh-so-exciting life