You’re Not a Doctor… *Edited*

…you don’t even play one on t.v.

Seriously, People?  Where my patience is coming from is entirely beyond me.

Bill called me yesterday, just as I was heading in to yoga class (perfect timing).  It seemed that he’d taken it upon himself to adjust some of her medications, and was calling to tell me what the new doses are.

He’s always been bothered by the amount of medication Mom’s taken, even from the very beginning.  His current freak-out is due to the fact that she’s on a couple of drugs which are purposed to be sedative (phenobarbital) and anti-anxiety, anti-nausea (Adavan).  He seems to think that these are unnecessary and, as a result, as switched her dose from one each every four hours to HALF of one each every SIX.

Now, I understand that neither of these drugs is meant cure anything.  It’s not as if he’s cutting back on an antibiotic or an antiviral or something and thereby doing her any real harm.  Regardless, it is NOT HIS PLACE to decide what is or is not necessary, and it’s CERTAINLY not his to adjust medication.  Further, he’s not inside her head (or her stomach) and has no practical knowledge of what these medications are doing for her.

I’m so beside myself, I’m practically two people.

I gave her full doses yesterday (he made a disapproving face when I told him that, and I somehow managed to refrain from unleashing the full force of my indignation at him at that moment).  I’m following the last orders given to me by doctors and nurses – you know; people with MEDICAL degrees.

I spoke to Ellie this morning, and she hinted that she is of the opinion that Mom may not be able to stay in her home for much longer as a matter of practicality.  Bill is neither a good energetic influence, nor is he particularly trustworthy at this time (if he ever was).  I fully support the idea of moving Mom into a long-term care facility when and if that time comes, and will unflinchingly exercise my medical POA if I have to.

*Edited to include: Ellie called back after visiting the house this morning.  She told me that she tried to talk Bill into recognizing that Mom’s terminal (he knows that, but he doesn’t really know it, you know?) and that addiction to drugs is, in this case, not a concern.  She also tried to get him to understand that it’s not necessarily the drugs that are sending her into other places – a lot of what she’s doing is very spiritual, otherworldly work –  nor will it be the drugs that end her life.

I was taken entirely aback by her seeming lack of concern for Bill’s taking it on himself to change Mom’s dosages, though.  She did say that he didn’t do any harm; if Mom had asked her to dial back the extra meds she’s taking, Ellie would have set them to pretty much what Bill was already doing.  I pointed out to her that that may be so, but it’s not HIS decision to make, and he shouldn’t be messing with her medication without the EXPRESS consent of someone with a medical degree.  “What’s next,” I asked; “is Bill going to think it’s okay to adjust her Dilaudid pump?”  Neither of us thinks he’d do that, and she agreed with my point, but I was still disturbed by her “it’s not a big deal” attitude.

I understand that Ellie has to walk a fine line here.  She NEEDS us, and she can’t really afford to let either of us jump the proverbial ship (there’s a post about THAT coming sometime soon; watch this space).  I understand that she had to get me calmed down, and I understand that I wasn’t there when she talked to Bill, so I don’t know how stern (or not) she was with him.  It’s just frustrating to know that I’m justified in my anger and frustration, but to not have it reinforced by the people who SHOULD be pissed about having their orders not only outright ignored but tampered with, to boot.  I wonder if, back at the office, Ellie pitched a private fit to her coworkers.

I’m trying to let it go.  I’m better than I was this afternoon, but I’m still not quite there yet…*



Filed under concerns, doing my duty, duh!, dumbassery, family matters, frustrations, General Bitching, Home and Family, on death and dying, strange but true, technical difficulties, Worries and Anxieties

23 responses to “You’re Not a Doctor… *Edited*

  1. O.M.G.

    just. omg.

    Sending more love.

  2. I’ll do Kwizgiver one better –


    Take a wild guess what the “F” stands for…

  3. Wow. I am shocked and apalled and full of righteous indignation. None of those are positive things, though, so I’ll try to keep them to myself and instead send you calm and love over the karmic airwaves. Much love.

  4. Anonymous

    What. The. Fuck. And that’s pretty much all that can be said about this.

  5. So now you people see what I’m dealing with here? Oy.

  6. jrh

    If only someone had given you the hole in your head you so desperately need instead…

  7. Hey, don’t lash out at us, we’ve been seeing what you’re dealing with. He continues, like an antsy child, to try every avenue to get his way even though it’s not his game to play.

    Sounds like moving her before you leave for vaca or making the respite care while you’re away be a transition into a facility wouldn’t be a bad idea. Sigh. ‘Cause more things to do this week are totally on your wish list.


  8. wxchick

    The Idiot.

    Time for a smackdown … in a positive way, of course. A positively good smackdown on Bill’s head.

  9. I am sorry for this turn of events. I am sending good Karma to you. May you fill your heart with joy not anger. Bill is not worth your time, just ignore him and take it up with the doctors.

    Blessings and love,

  10. We all do the best we can with the tools we have at any time—even assholes. I think that denial and fear can take so many forms.

    Does your hospice have a residential component that might be possible for your Mom? Both my parents were at a hospice in NE Ohio. It was an amazing place.

    I am sending love, joy and healing energy your way.

  11. Maybe someone will do the same for him someday. I’ll bet he changes his tune when he’s on the receiving end.

  12. You know, apart from my WTFing, I’m also just failing to understand Bill’s logic here. I mean, it’s not like she’s developing a dependence that you’re going to have to send her to rehab to get rid of. She’s, well, dying. It doesn’t matter practically at all if she’s doped up all the time.

    I mean, right? Or does he have some logic that actually makes sense?

    I vote for LTC.

  13. Terry

    I know I don’t know you personally, only, er, bloggally? Anyway, sending you many positive thoughts. What Bill is doing seems WILDLY unsafe, to the point where moving your mom seems like the best step. If nothing else, it would give YOU the rest and freedom you need, and if you worry that others will think you “selfish” for doing so, you can use Bill’s OBVIOUS inability to care for her as the “excuse”. Is there anyone else who can advocate moving your mom for her own safety?

  14. How can he just decide to ‘adjust’ her medications? What about the effects of lowering the dosages–these things typically need to be weaned off! I don’t know what to say… stay strong despite everything.

  15. Guess what? I’m not a doctor either but…

    Tell Mr. Fucking smarty pants that Ativan is a benzo. Stopping or reducing the dosage of benzo’s can cause FUCKING WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS!! Including, but not limited to, seizures!

    If you would like, I’ll come over and educate him. I’ll even try to be nice.

  16. Darci

    Oh please move your mom to LTC…Bill is making me crazy and I have no clue why you have not killed him yet. He is fucking with things he knows nothing about. Why would he not want his SO to be comfortable? Why would he want her to sit there with stomach pains and nausea?

    He is dangerous and should be kept under close watch.

  17. SAA

    OMG!!! I think Bill needs you to go off on his ass. He is NOT using good judgment whatsoever. Any idiot knows that if you’re not a doctor, don’t try to prescribe medication…which includes randomly changing the dosage amount without consulting a physician. GEESH! If you’re not a doctor, you have no clue what you’re talking about and have NO business messing with it.

    BACK OFF, BILL!!!! Sorry…that’s out of my system now. .

    I’m sending LOTS of loving thoughts your way. I hope you can find long-term care for your mom. You may need to pull out the POA, but it sounds like that would be the best thing for her so she can leave this world in the most comfortable way possible.

    {{{{HUGE HUGS}}}}

  18. Meg

    Nothing but (((HUGS))) for you here. That, and what I always remind myself when dealing with the Bills in my life: Breathe. In. Out.

    Now, go get someone professional to deal with him. (Hospice, mafia, whatever…)

  19. mccgood

    OMG I don’t understand how you are holding it together. I probably would have thrown a wicked tantrum by now,.

    THe only thing though, the line ” I am so beside myself right now I practically 2 people” cracked me up.

    Sending good thoughts your way!

  20. I think you need to go ape-shit on his ass. Time is over for keeping a temper. This is about managing your mother’s pain.

  21. Good grief. Bill has been nothing but a danger to your mother it sounds like. Someone needs to put him in his place because screwing around with dosages is not good. I know how bad the withdrawals can be and it’s NOT FUN.

  22. That is too much. I think my patience would have exited at this point. “Unflinchingly.” I like that. I hope it comes soon for everyone’s sake.

  23. Laurie B

    If Bill, the F***N**case believes in heaven, why would keeping MOm in more pain for the long run make a difference? Let her go to “heaven” or another life or whatever as soon as she is ready to go there. Keep your damn religous nutcake crap out of her life. If you love her then respect her wishes. Otherwise, “Bye-Bye”.

    Get his sorry ass out of the house, rent paying or not. He is a dangerous person to have around your Mom. What the hell?

    Is he going to pray her better? Decreasing her meds is certainly not a good solution.

    Good to hear that Auntie checked in. Go get him.

    I love it when my sister ( and cousins) shows up to make things right. Auntie, if you need help, let me know.

    Got your back, Mrs. Chili.

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