Today was a perfect summer day.
Monthly Archives: June 2012
My beloved and I commemorate 16 years of marriage today.
My relationship with my husband has always felt like the strangest combination of well-worn and brand-new. We’ve been together for over 20 years now (TWENTY YEARS!), but I still get butterflies sometimes when he pulls up the driveway. There is a matter-of-factness about our being together that feels infinitely safe and comfortable, but I’m still left with a feeling of disbelief that this can actually be my life. We know each other’s vocabulary and sense of humor and tics and habits, but I know that we’re both often surprised by how easily we fit together; how we’ll wordlessly pick up where the other leaves off, or how we’ll step in to fill a gap or lend support without the other having to ask for it, as if we’re energetically connected and can know, without consciously knowing, what the other needs.
We have managed, thus far, to move though some really difficult phases – the loss of jobs (both his and mine), family deaths, fears and uncertainties – but never have those difficult parts been about us. I know a lot of couples who find themselves looking out and away from each other when they’re feeling challenged or threatened, but we’ve never done that. There’s a sort of intrinsic knowing that, regardless of what happens to us, nothing can intrude on the promises we’ve made to each other. In the end, our marriage is what’s most important to both of us, and everything else – even the hard stuff – is secondary to the knowledge that we’ve got each other.
For all of that, I never take a moment of my life with this man for granted. Though I know that he’s there, unquestioning and unconditionally, I never take that knowledge lightly. I’m grateful, every day, that he chose me and I work, every day, to honor him with my own devotion, commitment, and love.
I had lunch today with a former coworker from CHS. A friend of mine had a long and revealing conversation with a former administrator from the place at just about the same time. We both learned almost exactly the same things from independent sources.
The upshot is that my being let go may well have been a gift. If things are as bad as these two women think they are (and the more I learn, the more I think they’re right), then the place is going to go down in flames fairly soon. It may be best that I got out when I did, even if the getting out was decidedly not of my choosing.
Regardless, I still feel as though I’ve been thrown under the proverbial bus in terms of the timing; I’ve already sent out a number of resumes and letters of inquiry, and have had two rejections in as many days. I may well be waiting tables come September.
Ten things I WANT to say to a number of people, but won’t:
1. You looked me in the eye and you lied to me. Repeatedly. In fact, you’re still lying to me. Decent people don’t do that, especially people who claim to be your friend.
2. You know what? Crying kids are part of your job. For you to say you don’t “do crying kids” is just the first of many reasons why you shouldn’t have your job.
3. Answer your fucking phone once in a while.
4. You’ve behaved in a cowardly way through all of this. You sent someone else to do the icky things you did to me – someone whose heart broke in front of me for having to do it – you avoided me and you ignored me and you pretended that everything was fine when it wasn’t, and that’s despicable.
5. That you’re able to look kids in the eye and lie, very sweetly, to them turns my stomach.
6. You really don’t know how you sound, do you? When you say things with authoritative confidence one day, and then the next day admit that you’re “not sure” about the rules or laws, you come off like an idiot.
7. “I’ll look into it” generally means that you’ll do just that – and then inform the person asking what you’ve found. When YOU say “I’ll look into it,” it means “I don’t know, so I’m going to put you off – and keep putting you off – until you forget that you’ve asked me.”
8. I’m pretty sure that your office doors should be OPEN and your blinds UP more than the opposite is true.
9. I’m also pretty sure that you should be in before 10:30 in the morning.
10. I know it’s small and petty of me to say, but you’re never going to find someone like me again. I know you think you got what you wanted out of this, but I hope you find that the whole side that I was holding up crumbles. I did far more than you think I did – far more than I probably should have, but I did it for the kids and for what I thought this place stood for. I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do; I want you to regret this. You broke my heart, and I want you to suffer, too.
Boosted, as ever, from Kwizgiver. Thank you, Honey!
1. Do you ever have trouble making up your mind? I often do, and this week has been an especially difficult one in terms of decision-making. I think I’ve come to one, though, and having made it, I think I feel better… but not much….
2. Do you think you always learn from your mistakes? Most of the time, yes. There are some lessons I need over and over again (but some that I refuse to concede are mistakes in the first place, like, you know, caring for people)…
3. Have you ever felt that you were either older or younger, for your age during a particular time? I have always felt like an old soul. Having to grow up too soon didn’t help matters.
4. Have you had trouble losing weight? Yes. Hasn’t anyone who’s ever tried to lose weight?
5. Who’s the most “wholesome” rock artist that you like? Sting.
6. Do you like to party or are you more of a homebody? I’m a partying homebody. That was Kwizgiver’s answer, but it’s perfect for me, too. I like to entertain in my own spaces.
7. Do you feel the need to share your burdens? I do. I’m a very collaborative person by nature. I hate feeling like I’m alone in a struggle.
8. Do you know the lady next door? (yes, you can pick either side.) I’m actually pretty close to my neighbor across the street.
9. Do you ever feel inferior? I often do, and it takes a lot to talk myself out of that feeling (which is why I’m such a collaborative person; if I can run my ideas past people whose intellects I admire, then I know I’m on the right track).
I’m sorry I’ve been so cagey about what’s been going on in my life lately. I’m still not at a point where I can write freely about it yet, but the upshot is that I was informed on Wednesday that my position at CHS has not been renewed in the fall. I cleaned out my room this afternoon; the entirety of my professional life is now taking up my husband’s half of the garage and I’ve re-assigned my school facebook page to a home email address (as my work email was shut off before I was even informed of the severance; I just chalked my not being able to get into it to a wireless glitch. Silly me).
I’m going to take some time to recover (I haven’t even cried yet, and I know THAT’S coming) and regroup. Meanwhile, I’ll try to write more here – I think that writing, even if I don’t write about this, is going to be good for me. Thank you all for the support and encouragement you’ve given me already, even before you knew what you were supporting me for. I told myself that I COULD NOT let myself feel alone in this, and I’m not sure you realize how much it helps to know that you’re all out there.