I think that the hardest part of all of what’s been happening to me lately is the fact that I’ve been taking it very, very personally.
A lot of who I am is wrapped up in what I do. I am a caregiver. I care deeply and actively for my family, for my friends, for my coworkers and my students. I now find myself in a position of not being able to do that – or, at least, not being able to do that for a particular group of people who were an important part of my life – and, further, I’m having to wrestle with the idea that I wasn’t wanted.
I’m slowly making my way around this. I’m coming to recognize that the environment was toxic (and is becoming more so by the day). I’m coming to recognize that there were some aspects of that place that were completely untenable, but all of that doesn’t really touch much on the idea that I was kicked out; I didn’t leave of my own free will (though, had I known the little bit then that I know now, I may well have resigned, anyway). The fact that no one is clamoring to offer me a position doesn’t help the self-esteem. Three rejections in one day is a bit more than I was prepared to handle.
I think the worst part is not having a plan. So much is contingent upon waiting – waiting to hear back from schools where I put in applications, waiting to decide whether or not I should sign up for daytime classes at Local U., waiting to decide whether I should take a part-time gig if doing so would mean closing the door on something that might come up for full-time in the near future. I’m not good at waiting; I need to have a plan in place – even if it’s not my first choice plan – so I can feel like I’m actually doing something.
I need to get over this feeling of worthlessness, though, and learn to figure out how to get over the being rejected.