Thought for Thursday: Rejection

I think that the hardest part of all of what’s been happening to me lately is the fact that I’ve been taking it very, very personally.

A lot of who I am is wrapped up in what I do.  I am a caregiver.  I care deeply and actively for my family, for my friends, for my coworkers and my students.  I now find myself in a position of not being able to do that – or, at least, not being able to do that for a particular group of people who were an important part of my life – and, further, I’m having to wrestle with the idea that I wasn’t wanted.

I’m slowly making my way around this.  I’m coming to recognize that the environment was toxic (and is becoming more so by the day).  I’m coming to recognize that there were some aspects of that place that were completely untenable, but all of that doesn’t really touch much on the idea that I was kicked out; I didn’t leave of my own free will (though, had I known the little bit then that I know now, I may well have resigned, anyway).  The fact that no one is clamoring to offer me a position doesn’t help the self-esteem.  Three rejections in one day is a bit more than I was prepared to handle.

I think the worst part is not having a plan.  So much is contingent upon waiting – waiting to hear back from schools where I put in applications, waiting to decide whether or not I should sign up for daytime classes at Local U., waiting to decide whether I should take a part-time gig if doing so would mean closing the door on something that might come up for full-time in the near future.  I’m not good at waiting; I need to have a plan in place – even if it’s not my first choice plan – so I can feel like I’m actually doing something.

I need to get over this feeling of worthlessness, though, and learn to figure out how to get over the being rejected.

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4 responses to “Thought for Thursday: Rejection

  1. Anonymous

    I know you don’t want to hear this Mrs. Chili, but welcome to the world. We are facing what you have recently come into. Yes, it is demoralizing and it doesn’t help our self-esteem. Unemployment and Republicans. Teaching is not easy, and is at the bottom of their list. Maybe we should go to China?

  2. I never for a minute imagined myself above any of the trials and hardships that my brothers and sisters are and have been facing, neither do I hold a political party responsible (though I DO contend that one seems far more hostile to the situation than the other). It’s the hit to my psyche that’s bringing me up short.

  3. L B

    Mrs. Chili,

    I’ve been following you for years and let me say that this whole kaboom is not about the quality of your knowlege, the quality of your teaching, nor above all, not at all about the depths of your teaching abilities. You love teaching at that has shown through every post on both sites for years. You are a gifted and talented teacher. You meet students where they are and take them through to the next phase of thinking about what they are asked to read and how they are able to create their owns thoughts and responses.

    That’s a gift, to teach students how to read, comprehend, think, write and then discuss at some level . At Local U here, full professors get awards for that very same thing. Go figure, you are that good.

    Can’t say something good is around the corner, wish I could, but maybe the best thing is that you are no longer tied by job (but not by love of the students) to the charter school. Good ideas gone bad by almost everything. It takes a lot to run a whole and healthy school.

    Something will come, by way of job or by way of a class or teaching yoga or continuing ed. You personally have taken a hit here but you, as a person, will explore that wound and woundedness, figure out how to work with or around it, and go on as the living, loving, learning, teaching, exploring and creative person you are. Your legacy by way of your Mom is to life well despite trying times, this is just baby fire and you will rock this! If nothing else comes along, take the best and toughest and most challenging writing courses, go to what we call UWW, University without walls, and create your own program and make it as challenging as you need it to be. You will not be sorry about a moment of it and your daughters will know that they have that option as well.

    Your daughters are still young but would you ever consider applying to either Smith College as an ADA Comstock Scholar or at Mt Holyoke as a (not sure what they are called but a full boat scholarship for non trad student) in either place? You would rock the boat, be challenged, be supported and graduate with glowing honors in either of them. Keep that in mind for a few years from now.

    Exhale, begin again.

  4. Audra

    Mrs. Chili…. I read via Kizz. I always preface my remarks with that. 🙂 Wonderful, that Kizz. So a few years ago I remember Oprah saying and yes, I realize she has more money than God…. but she said…. “When someone fires you… you should say thank you as you are not where you are supposed to be.” I think, yes. I love a mantra. Kill myself with them sometimes. And its not super sage advice… however… I feel confident in saying that you will be soon where you are supposed to be. You’ve got skills. And damn that when challenges happen that we are standing ready with two feet planted firmly on the ground… boxing gloves on our hands…. but I feel like you are a fighter. And you will win.

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