Friday F*ck You

So I know this guy.

I’ve known this guy for a very long time.  In fact, if my math is right, I’ve known this guy for nearly 30 years by this point.

This guy is a serial adulterer.  I know, both from observation and, sadly, from firsthand experience, that this guy simply cannot maintain a monogamous, committed relationship.  He just can’t.  I have no idea what his deal is or what it is about his emotional makeup that renders him incapable of faithful commitment, but the fact of the matter is that he simply cannot be faithful to a woman.  It doesn’t seem to matter that he recognizes that his behavior completely screws up his life (and the lives of the women involved); he’ll acknowledge the pain he causes to himself and to others, but that pain is clearly not enough to inspire him to change his behavior.  Nope; he’s blown every relationship he’s ever had, and now seems to be gleefully in the process of wrecking someone else’s marriage.

This person is engaged in an affair with a married woman.  It is likely not (yet) a sexual affair, but it is an affair.  The effects of this behavior are patently clear to everyone, but the actors in question seem completely undeterred.  They insist that “nothing’s happening” and that the time they spend together is not a contributing factor to the decline in her marriage.

I have come to realize that I would like nothing more than to never have to see this person again.  I know that his behavior has nothing to do with me – at least, not now (30-some years ago, it did) – but that doesn’t change the fact that his behavior is revolting to me and I’m having a really, really hard time moving past it (again).  It occurs to me lately that perhaps I shouldn’t try; this pattern of his is clearly well established and not likely to change, and I’d just as soon not have to witness it any more, never mind having to talk to him about it (or pretend that I don’t know what’s happening or that I don’t have feelings about it).

I’m sad that this person never grew up, and I’m sad that he never developed a conscience.  I’m sad to lose the person I thought he could become, but I’m not sad to lose the person he very clearly is.



Filed under compassion and connection, critical thinking, dumbassery, family matters, frustrations, General Bitching, ideas and opinions, my oh-so-exciting life, ruminating, this is NOT a drill, WTF?!

6 responses to “Friday F*ck You

  1. Nathan

    I Bet You Think This Blog is About You

    Although unnamed, as the only possible subject/topic for this blog, I feel at least qualified, if not obligated to reply.

    The one thing that is lacking in this (ahem) commentary is a sense of cause and effect. I understand that an affair, sexual or otherwise is not an ideal way to punctuate the end of a relationship, but these affairs have been the effect of a relationship that has already gone bad, not the cause. In none of these situations has the affair been the cause of the demise of the relationship. Yes, it is a shitty thing do do and comes mostly from not having the cojones to look at some one you still care about and say ‘I don’t want to be with you any more”. Somehow I have to believe that I am not the only human who has felt that way. There is an inherent conflict in performing an act of self that you know will harm another person. My inclination is overwhelmingly to avoid that harm for as long as possible, regardless of the inevitability.

    That being said, I must point out that the writer chose to air what is inherently a private matter, and was requested to remain private, in a very public forum and has not addressed this with me personally, though we have messaged several times in the last few weeks about completely unrelated matters.

    Having been called out as being currently involved in an affair with a married woman, I have to once again point out the concept of cause and effect. The time I am spending with a mutual friend is not the cause of marital discord, but is the effect. Any discord in the relationship was already present, or there would never have been opportunity for anything perceived as an affair to develop. We have only recently started spending time together because my recent ex-wife. (Married 19 years) noticed her discomfort and depression and suggested we spend some time together. What this relationship has or has not developed into has no direct correlation with the decline of the marriage, but simply underlines what has already occurred.

    Having written this, I can only hope that the writer has the confidence and courtesy to leave my reply available to all.

  2. Kagen Alexander

    Nathan, I don’t see any identifying names, places, or times here. You outed yourself, Chili didn’t do it. I don’t know Chili personally and wouldn’t recognize her if I was introduced to her in real life, and the same goes for you. That she let you know that she blogs was an act of faith on her part, most people I know don’t tell anyone about their blogs

    You won’t believe me, but this post actually ISN’T about you; it’s about how Chili is dealing (or failing to deal) with her feelings about what you’re doing. She was very clearly hurt by an experience she had with you, regardless of how long ago that experience was, and she’s trying to process those feelings. That she’s even bothering to do that says a lot about how she feels about you, I think – why would she agonize about this if she didn’t care about you?

    I don’t know Chili in real life, but I know from her blog that she processes things in a very collaborative way. She looks for advice and input from others to help her balance what she thinks or feels because she understands that she is limited by those thoughs and feelings, so she looks for other perspectives. You may not like it, but it’s a pretty mature and advanced thing to do.

  3. Todd

    Wow. That’s some serious rationalizing there, Nathan.

  4. CV Rick

    Kagan is absolutely right.

    If this post were about me – or if I felt it were about me – I wouldn’t have come in with both barrels blazing trying to explain my behavior away as convenient tripe and hollywood angst-ridden cliches. I would’ve stayed out of it publicly. Obviously you don’t see that it’s Mrs. Chili’s way of dealing with her feelings – not yours. I’m sure that if it were about her dealing with YOUR feelings, you would’ve gotten a message, letter, or call about it.

    As with any kind of addiction, the addict is unaware of how his actions affect those in his life, but will attempt to run damage control at the first sign of trouble. Deal with it, Nathan.

  5. Anonymous

    Nathan, I repeat, this isn’t about you. This is about the way your actions affect others, and specifically about the way you have affected Chili. I’m sure, because you recognized yourself in the post, you read it differently than I did… but it was immediately clear to me that you had broken her heart, and treating others in a way that had once broken her heart breaks it over and over and over again. I know you feel called out, but that’s the guilt speaking. You have brought this (whatever “this” may be) upon yourself.

    Know these two things:
    1) A relationship isn’t about how you feel right now at this instant, it is a big-picture interaction built over days, weeks, and years. You have to give to it constantly for it to live, and sometimes that giving is easier than others. If you stop building, it stops being. Your choice to turn your back on some relationships in favor of others is just that: a choice. It’s not that the relationship arbitrarily declines or goes bad, it’s that you’ve made a choice (consciously or otherwise) to withdraw from the relationship and invest elsewhere. Making that choice without clarifying your intent isn’t just cowardly, it’s cruel and it’s wrong. That’s why it’s called cheating.
    2) This is Chili’s “house”, and she can express herself safely here. If you come knocking on the door, expect she won’t be answering it alone.

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