I was talking to my friend and neighbor the other day about the idea of life lessons, and I mentioned to her that I usually feel like I know when I’m being tested about something.
Well, I don’t think that I’m being tested so much as I’m testing myself – that my energy needs to learn a particular something in order to evolve, and that I seek out, whether consciously or not, the conditions under which I will be compelled to learn and grow, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, it only happens after I become consciously aware of a pattern of situations that ask me to demonstrate a particular skill or habit over and over again, often culminating in something particularly difficult or painful that requires everything I’ve got to successfully navigate. Once that last push is finished, though, I notice that I rarely am presented with an occasion to prove myself again or, if I am, the situation is easily managed and I almost never have to think – or stress – about it again.
I feel like I’m on the eve of one of those final exams, and that I have to get through my grandmother’s memorial service – and the conditions that event is going to facilitate – before I know if I’ve passed or not.
I’ve talked to a bunch of people privately about this, and they’ve all been pretty consistent in telling me that I’ve got this, that the energy I’m giving it isn’t a sign that I’m going to fail the test but rather a sign that I’m ready to take it. My neighbor even suggested that I’ve already passed. She pointed out that my ability to articulate exactly what I’m expecting and exactly what I will do under any of a variety of different possible scenarios demonstrates that I’ve already internalized the skills, and that coming out the other side of it is just a way to convince myself that I’m done with this particular lesson.
I hope she’s right, because I’m eager to graduate from this particular class.