At the end of yoga, while I’ve got everyone laid out and trying to relax, I hold myself open to see what comes to me in the way of a closing thought to offer the class. Very rarely do the things that I say come from me; most often – almost always, in fact – I’m just sort of channeling the stuff I hear/feel inside me. One of the things I love about doing this is how often someone will approach me after the class is done to tell me that what I said was exactly what they needed to hear.
This was my yoga message today:
I think this message was intended for me. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this, especially lately; I’m coming to realize that I’ve allowed myself to be manipulated and, frankly, really badly treated by people from whom I expected much, much better.
I’m thinking I’m about done with that.
This was driven home to me in an almost comically visceral way this afternoon. In the space of a five minute chance visit with a former friend and colleague, I was accosted with completely unsolicited (and, I deeply suspect, completely and blatantly false) information concerning my experience with CHS. I did not ask to talk about CHS. I gave no indication that I was open to that line of conversation. Once I figured out that was where the conversation was going whether I bid it or not, I made every effort to shut it down, but the other person just plowed right on through.
As I was driving home from the encounter, I was trying to process exactly what happened and, more importantly, WHY it happened. What possible benefit could this person have in saying these things to me? What, exactly, was this person after? Was the point to color my attitude toward another of my colleagues? Was it to ingratiate the speaker to me? Was it to make me angry or to hurt my feelings? I honestly have no idea, but the point is that it doesn’t matter; I allowed this person to go somewhere with me that I was unwilling to go, and that’s on me.
My focus this week is to have a good, hard look at what I allow, what I tolerate, and what I accept. I need to start to really understand how much control I have over my own story, and stop letting other people dictate my narrative.