And Away We Go!

I live in New Hampshire.  That means a lot of things, but for the purposes of this post, this means that I get subjected very early in the cycle to a seemingly endless parade of Presidential wannabees who think that winning over the voters of New Hampshire is the way to get elected.

The most recent clown to get spat out of the car is, apparently, John Bolton.  This morning, two of my friends contacted me, separately from each other, to tell me that they’d been informed – one via a newsletter from Bolton’s PAC and another through the local news station’s app – that the former ambassador and right wing darling has a speaking gig in Manchester.

The friend who got the newsletter is apparently a glutton for punishment and has a very high tolerance for bullshit; he’s signed up to all the wingnuts’ newsletters – Michelle Bachman, Rand Paul, Rick Santorum among them – and tells me with a big grin that he gets these regular doses of crazy so he can “know what the enemy is thinking.”  Bully for him; I don’t know if I could handle opening my inbox to see mail from these people, but I do appreciate that he occasionally forwards the newsletters to me so I can see with my own eyes what the whackadoodles are saying to their base.  Observe:

It’s because of my love of country that I am sending you this message from Manchester, New Hampshire, where voters will soon decide who follows Barack Obama as president.

** Okay, let’s start with the preamble to the letter.  Notice how the sentence is structured to give the impression that little New Hampshire is going to be deciding the President’s successor all by its own little self?  I have no idea why New Hampshire is so important in the electoral process; we’re ranked 42nd in population and our voter turnout rates aren’t anything to write home about.  The hysteria with which the “first in the nation” status gets talked about by politicians kind of disgusts me, but I guess it’s a good idea to make your audience feel important and special, so there you go.


Like you, I have a deep love of country and a profound concern for our future security and prosperity.

**What does this mean, exactly?  This sounds like a whole load of nationalistic bullshit to me.  “Love of country” and “security and prosperity” are triggering buzzwords that don’t really mean anything, but you can’t tell that to conservatives, so I guess you go with what works.

It’s because of my love of country that I am sending you this message from Manchester, New Hampshire, where voters will soon decide who follows Barack Obama as president.

**There’s that “love of country” and “New Hampshire will pick the next President” bit again.  Is the intended audience for this letter so distracted – or stupid – that they can’t remember what they read two lines ago?

For the past six years, we’ve waited for President Obama to lead and defend our country, and he has consistently failed.

**HOW, exactly, has President Obama “failed to lead and defend” the country?  Give examples with citations, please.

Two more years of danger remain until 2016, and his former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton is no more up to the job than he was.

**Danger, huh?  Again, I’d like an example of the clear and present DANGER that faces our country; just one valid example will do.  Also, I’d be interested to hear why the writers believe that Secretary Clinton isn’t “up for the job,” though, of course, they’d have to articulate exactly what “the job” is in this context; I mean, I understand they’re talking about the qualifications for President, but I’ve seen nothing but vague, alarmist buzzword so far, so I’m not sure what they think they’re talking about.  Also, and not for nothing, Secretary Clinton has not declared her intention to run for President yet; I love how all the Republicans are already sinking their teeth into her.

We are – without question – less secure than we were just six short years ago.

**WITHOUT QUESTION, huh?  The letter keeps positing this idea, but offers nothing of substance to back it up.  I’m calling bullshit.

Our country needs a dependable leader who will take responsibility for America’s future. We need someone with a clear plan that can restore order to the chaos caused by President Obama’s absent, incoherent national security policy.

**This sentence is a doozy, isn’t it?  It’s clear from its being in bold that this is an important point, so pay attention, Kiddos!  From the sounds of this letter, we’re in a state of absolute, terrifying chaos; CHAOS, I tell you! 

Again, I want examples; clear, verifiable examples of all this madness the authors see all around them.

Americans instinctively understand that ignoring international dangers makes those dangers neither easier to resolve nor makes them go away.

**”International dangers” seems to be the focus of this statement, and implicit in it is the idea that the Administration has been *ignoring* them.  Americans are clearly smarter than the Administration, and we KNOW better than to IGNORE INTERNATIONAL DANGERS, by golly!  This Obama guy is an ostrich with his head stuck in the sand, huh?

We simply cannot suffer through more of Obama and Clinton’s misbegotten views of America, their inexperience, and their incompetence. When we elect leaders that don’t care about national security or view it as a political game, you get someone like Barack Obamas who is unqualified, inattentive, and downright dangerous.

**Leaving the grammar errors aside (seriously, People; proofreading matters), the tone of this sentence cracks me up.  The pearl-clutching here is a thing of beauty, isn’t it?  How sad it must be to live in these people’s heads; they are so frightened all the time.

We must be realistic about threats to America.

**”…because this Administration clearly hasn’t been.”  EVIDENCE, Motherfuckers; do you HAVE ANY?!

In fact, adversaries all around the world are calibrating their own policies to take advantage of the remaining two years of the Obama administration. Iran, Russia, China, and radical Islamic terrorists understand that they have a precious opportunity against a weak and ineffective President to advance their agenda, before a stronger, more competent President takes office.

**Oh, I LIKE this section.  “Weak and ineffective” is clearly intended to mean Democrats and  “strong and competent” is, obvs, Republican.  Like how they did that? 

It seems pretty irresponsible to make the claim that foreign interests are plotting against the United States and that they’re going to do some vague but horrible thing to us before the end of President Obama’s term without anything to back the claim up.  I’d like to see the evidence they’re basing this claim on, but I’m not going to hold my breath.  You shouldn’t, either.

And that’s why I am delivering this sobering message at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics.

**What message is that, exactly?  The one you’ve been promoting in this poorly formatted, conjecture-filled missive?  What could you possibly have to add here?

I’m committed to restoring America’s strength, and I hope that you are with me.

**If you aren’t smart enough to understand the thrust of this letter (because we understand our base and assume that you’re not), we’re going to go ahead and put the message in bold print.  RESTORE STRENGTH!  GUNS!  GOD!  HOO-AH!

Yeah, right.  Okay.

For America,

**More nationalistic bullshit right there.  Don’t you love this?  “For America,” because, ‘Murica!

John Bolton
Former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations

**I think it would be really interesting to look into Bolton’s CV.  As I understand it (and I’ll admit that I’m not exactly a Bolton scholar), he was pretty heavily involved in Reagan’s stellar foreign policies and worked on a number of really distasteful initiatives, such as opposing reparations to Japanese Americans held in camps during WWII and trying to tie immigration policy to the drug war, and let’s not forget that he was a key figure in getting Antonin Scalia nominated to SCOTUS.  Honestly?  That alone is enough for me to oppose him.

P.S. I’m going to need your help. **Oh, OF COURSE you are!**  If we work together, I’m confident we can replace President Obama’s failed agenda of drift, decline and defeatism, **Evidence, Motherfuckers; GIVE ME SOME**  with a strong Reaganite foreign policy.  **BUZZWORD!  Invoke the name of Saint Ronnie and you get all the low-information voters lining up!  Shall we talk about Iran Contra, or supporting interests accused of genocidal practices or Apartheid in Africa, or Reagan’s support for Suharto in Indonesia, or about the Nicaraguan rebels?  Seriously; if you want to talk about Reagan’s foreign policy initiatives, let’s talk about Reagan’s foreign policy initiatives** Click here to join me in fighting for a safe and strong America. **Click here to give me money**

I have half a mind to send this letter back to the PAC and ask them for more information; I really want to know on what they are basing their claims.  If nothing more, I’ll send this back to my friend, though; I think he’ll get a kick out of my response to it.


1 Comment

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One response to “And Away We Go!

  1. I feel your pain. I live in Iowa and we’re also already getting the visits from the yahoos in our neck of the woods. Lucky us.

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